(This is a recap. Spoilers below.)
Season 7 of American Horror Story: Cult is over! And the finale tied up all the loose ends that ever existed.
Almost prescient, this season began with last year’s election (harking back to the abyss most of us felt beginning in late 2016 through about a week ago) and circling all the way back around, looking forward to 2018 and giving us hope that women can get elected in this country. Of course, it’s 2017 and that’s already true. Let’s hope we keep it up! #Feminati
Without further ado: HERE. ARE. 10. HORRIFYING. RESOLUTIONS. FROM. “Great Again.”
1. Kai Ends Up In Prison
We start the episode off right, with a scene straight out of American History X meets Fight Club meets Orange Is The New Black but with dudes.
Kai (Evan Peters) is behind bars but still kicking ass. He’s only been there for 11 months but he’s got 16 men in his “army.” That’s almost 1.5 soldiers enlisted per month! Impressive!
But not everyone’s a fan. Even though Kai’s hypnotized a prison guard, Gloria (Liz Jenkins) - who hangs on his every word and shows him her tig ol’ bitties - there are some gang leaders who resent Kai’s weird brainwashing techniques. But before Kai is smashed into an Evan-Petery pulp, he’s saved by one of his followers (who maybe waited a second too long before intervening but Kai is pleased.) So pleased, in fact, he kills the guy because that’s all part of the plan, too. Whatever. He’s dead. We’ll never see him again.
While hanging out with his “army,” Kai is approached by a hopeful recruit who desperately needs protection. Trevor, a clean-cut but roughed-up little man, has been convicted of drunk-driving his “daddy’s Tesla” and hiding the body of the child he ran over. That’s such a “Trevor” thing to do. Classic Trevor. Kai still offers him protection but there’s a price. What’s the price? Listening to how Kai ended up in prison.
2. “Night Of A Thousand Tates” Didn’t Happen
And neither did Plan B, “Night of a Hundred Tates.”
In a FLASHBACK, Kai sadly informs his followers that there aren’t a thousand pregnant women to murder at the moment. However, still optimistic, he thinks the ones they were able to scrounge up from OB-GYN office records and lamaze class rosters are plenty. He then instructs his army on how to properly eviscerate women, creating chaos and fear, and detonating the “neutron bomb of amniotic fluid."They practice on watermelons.
A bit later, in the kitchen, Beverly (Adina Porter) frantically chops fruit. "I’m very privileged to be making this watermelon and feta salad,” she stammers to Ally (Sarah Paulson) before breaking and begging for the sweet release of death. At this point, it’s pretty clear that Beverly has lost it. We thought she had lost it before but, well, we were wrong! She’s definitely lost it now.
Ally talks her off the ledge because, we can assume, she knows what’s really going on, having entrapped Speed Wagon in the car with his wire.
Kai enters, upset (surprise), and even promises of a #manwhich don’t seem to be calming him down. So Ally tells him a secret.
3. Speed Wagon Was A Rat But Not FBI
Or was he? This might actually be a new loose-end created specially for this episode!
In a sub-flashback-FLASHBACK, Ally tells Kai she killed Speed Wagon after learning he was a mole working for state police to clear himself of drug-trafficking charges. We soon learn Ally is an FBI informant but it’s not clear if she actually had killed Speed Wagon in his car. Oh well!
4. Ally Was Working With The FBI
On the failed “Night of a Thousand-Turned-Hundred Tates,” Kai makes sure his army has their preparedness kits, sorry, “kill kits,” which include changes of clothing, chloroform, guns and, probably, beef jerky.
Ally steps out to “get snacks” when, in fact, she just leaves to cue the feds.
Almost everyone in Kai’s cult is gunned down, save for Kai, Ally and Beverly, who gets in one, last, cathartic murder before being apprehended. Good for Beverly.
5. Ally’s Restaurant Is Doing Really Well
Like, super well.
Just in case you were worried about The Butchery, STOP WORRYING. All is good.
In fact, business is booming. Even Beverly can’t get a table. Oh, she’s not in prison and Kai’s pled guilty to everything except, mysteriously, Ivy’s murder. But nobody has any proof that Ally did it so she’s just not going to be questioned about it. Oh, Ally also has a hot, new chef-girlfriend named Erica. Everyone has a type, you know? Oh, they’re so good together. You’re invited to their two-monthiversary/Ozzie’s birthday party. You simply must attend. Oh.
6. Kai Finds Out Oz Is Not His Son
During a beautiful birthday party for Ozzie (Cooper Dodson), Ally is inundated with annoying phone calls. It’s Rachel Maddow, AGAIN, calling to request an interview with hero cult-escapee, Ally. No thanks!
Then Kai, furious, calls Ally from prison. He’s received confirmation from “Elite Genetics” that he’s not Ozzie’s real father. (What a dubious name for a sperm bank, btw.)
Ally takes this opportunity to tell Kai - his family dead and his son nonexistent - that he’s going to rot in prison along with his shitty chromosomes. Of course, we all know that’s not going to happen. What we don’t know yet is that:
7. Ally Runs For US Senate!
Ally runs for US senate!
Meanwhile, poor Kai has to settle for having uncomfortable-looking sex with his personal prison-guard while watching his personal flatscreen TV in his personal cell.
But running on the platform of cult-escapee is not as simple as you might think. Beverly, now Ally’s campaign manager (obviously) informs Ally that nobody trusts she can lead. Is it because she lacks experience? Because she’s a woman? Because she’s a possible murderer? Who cares? Ally knows what she has to do - deliver the best debate performance womanly possible.
8. Trevor Gets His…Face Cut Off
Trevor, like a little baby lamb covered in tattoos identical to Kai’s, is led into the facility where Kai is stretching - supposedly preparing his wiry prison body for freedom.
Kai kills Trevor, a lot, and cuts off his face (prison-guard Gloria’s idea) to fake his own death. Take that, you daddy’s-Tesla-driving-DUI-piece-of-shit.
9. Beverly Gets Her Revenge
Say what you will about that garish pantsuit, Ally gives one heck of a debate performance. She’s tired of being “mansplained"to, of being called "hysterical, shrill, snowflake” or even a skinny Kool-Aid Man (again, pantsuit.)
But being tired of misogyny doesn’t prevent Kai and his cult from storming the auditorium and attacking everyone inside, killing Ally on local television and proving that “there is not hope”/“women can’t lead.”
No, that sort of prevention is done with careful planning, collusion, if you will. Kai’s fuck-buddy/prison guard, Gloria, whom Ally turned days ago, maybe even months ago, has been conspiring against Kai for…ages.
And so, with an empty gun, Kai unsuccessfully shoots Ally before being shot himself, by Beverly! And even though Kai, just moments before, claimed that “Killing people doesn’t get the men hard or the ladies wet anymore,” Beverly would probably have to disagree.
10. Ally Wins
Just before Kai kicks the bucket, he wants Ally to “say something” and she does.
“You were wrong. There is something more dangerous in this world than a humiliated man. A nasty woman.”
Of course, Ally wins the senate seat with 80% of the female vote. All she had to do was orchestrate the federal takedown of a murder collective, overthrow the status quo and second-degree execute a cult leader on live television. And she did it all in heels, baby. Thanks, Ryan Murphy, for this inspiring tale!
More importantly for Ally than the senate seat is little Ozzie, whom she tucks into bed in the finale scene. She then uses a fancy foundation brush to set her makeup with translucent powder. She probably doesn’t want to appear shiny or nervous in her velvet cowl when she meets the mysterious “group of powerful, empowered (strong and powerful) women who want to change the system.”
From start to finish, this season was…exquisite. Remember when Billy Eichner kept those bees? Bees have queens, don’t they? Yeah. Good symbolism. Very good.