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September 19, 2016

Tween Fest has a happy ending and I just hope I can say the same for my relationship with my daughter.

1) That mean woman from Spurge is really putting the screws on that poor guy Todd now.

So everything a mess because all the kids are passing out because the only thing they’ve got to drink at TweenFest is Spurge Energy Drink and the Spurge lady still isn’t satisfied because pound sign Spurge Explosions still hasn’t gone virile on Tweeter or Instantgram or Vines or anything. What’s more, the Spurge Lady wants Todd, the dad who set this whole TweenFest up, to start pushing a batch of Spurge body spray that was rejected by the FDA.

Now, I’m not one for having big government to tell me when to take a whizz, but I know you shouldn’t mess with the FDA because my buddy Rick got some banned supplements shipped to him from the Ukraine that were supposed to help him and the missus out in the bedroom and the poor guy had a stroke. Hey, all I can say is I hope it was worth it! I know that sounds mean, but he’s doing fine now.

2) That weirdo Australian prank clan is gonna sick a mountain lion on poor little Ariana Grande and then start chucking exploding cans of Spurge body spray all over the place.

Turns out that this whole stunt is so wild and nasty because The Prankaninnies want a big finale for their their MTV two show?

Since when is there another MTV? Does that one show music videos? Man, I remember when MTV used to be that Dire Straits video of the 3D guys and the 3D dog on a constant loop. Now it’s just a bunch of meat heads punching holes in the walls and girls in bikinis crying. That ain’t rock ’n’ roll, man. That ain’t rock ’n’ roll at all.

And not to go on a full-out old-timer, rant but I feel like all the prank shows you see on TV now are way, way over the top. I remember when all those guys needed was a metal detector and a fart machine.

Anyway, Zayden, the kid who used to pretend to be blind for pranks and then started hanging with those weirdo Prankaninnies, goes to tell Todd what the Aussies are gonna do partly because he doesn’t want anybody to get hurt and partly because he doesn’t want their MTV two show to be better than his MTV two show.

I tried to tell Kaitlyn that if you do the right thing for the wrong reasons it’s not really the right thing at all and then she called me “fat Mitt Romney,” which I don’t necessarily take as a complete insult.

Anyway, after Zayden gets Maddissyn on the phone by pretending to be “some random ass blind guy,” Todd convinces her to warn all of the tweens about the mountain lion…

But they ignore her because they wanna see the big finale, which is Ariana Grande coming on stage and smiling and waving for six seconds.

I’m just surprised that the tweens saw Maddissyn’s message at all considering that anytime I text Kaitlyn I won’t hear from her for four hours, even if it’s just a pic of what her mom is cooking for dinner with the caption “yum :)” You can’t say I’m not trying.

Anyway, that poor little teeny tiny tea cup of a woman Ariana Grande gets herself mauled by the Aussies pranksters’ mountain lion, then blown into a big pile of boxes by a can of that Spurge body spray.

TweenFest is starting to look like a GD war zone out there. Not that I’d know first hand. I had flat feet, so I could never join the army, even though I begged them a couple times.

3) Zayden, the kid who pretends to be blind, saves Lexii C from the Australian prank clan, but then he goes blind for real.

Zayden stands up to the Prankaninnies and tells ‘em that they’re being terrorists, but they won’t listen to reason because they say that in Australia “terrorism” and “pranks” are the same word.

I believe it too because one night when we went out to eat at an Outback Steakhouse I couldn’t make heads or tails of the menu. I thought I was ordering a steak, but I ended up with some kind of chicken caesar wrap. I was ready to give the waiter a piece of my mind, but thankfully the wife made me go sit in the car until I cooled off and was ready to enjoy a family dinner.

Anyway, the Prankaninnies have Lexii C hostage…

Lexii gets free, but the Prankanninies huck one of those exploding Spurge Body Spray Cans at her and Zayden steps in front of it and the flash makes him go blind for real.

It’s funny because that’s pretty much the scenario I had running in my head when I was begging the Army to let me sign up. I guess it’s a fantasy for a lot of guys.

You know, I gained a lot of respect for Zayden over the course of this show because I really feel like we’ve gotten to watch him grow into a man. I may not understand why in the heck these kids like or do or say the things they do, but if Kaitlyn brought home a guy like Zayden, I think I’d be awful proud. But there are also a lot of little punks at her school that I won’t let set foot in my household and she knows that.

4) Todd is trapped under a giant spurge can and almost gets eaten by the mountain lion, but then Maddissyn scares the thing off with her terrible singing.

I know I’m gonna sound like a big softie, but I just started bawling at this point because it was so incredible to see a father and daughter put all their past squabbling behind them and come together.

Sure, I guess Todd wasn’t in that much danger…

But I still reached over and gave Kaitlyn a big old bear-hug and she told me that I smell like dog-piss. I know that deep down she cares.

5) And just the relationship between me and my daughter, Kaitlyn, TweenFest has one big happy ending!

Just when it looks like the Prankannines are gonna get away on their freaky little dune buggy, the living members of the Swag Squad and blow up ‘em by firing a can of the Spurge body spray out of their t-shirt gun.

Again, this was strangely close to another wartime fantasy of mine that I never got to see come true. A man is more than his arches.

Anyway, the other good news is that Todd got pound sign Surge Explosion to go virile! It seems like kids are mostly doing Twitters about it because a bunch of tweens died from the Spurge Body Spray cans that blow up, but it’s good enough for the mean Spurge lady.

Some people will do anything to get their message out there. There is a car wash in town that leaves flyers on people’s cars while they’re in church. I mean, is nothing sacred?

Anyway, Zayden ends up getting his own MTV two show as a real blind guy who does pranks and then we find out that Twonk Master Chris is in hell.

I thought that it was important that Kaitlyn learn those two lessons: hard work and good deeds pay off and that if you do drugs you’re gonna go to hell.

And remember Preston, the little baby reporter? His dad shows up and wants to put TweenFest on a cruise boat but Todd tells him to take a hike.

But now Kaitlyn’s got it in her head to go to one of these festivals like Bonbonatude or Lollipophulahoop or whatever they’re called and I’ve got half a mind to take because for one I want to see her happy and for two I want to make sure she isn’t out there butt tweaking like that Obama girl. Man, the things we do for our kids, huh?

Anyway, if you want to see what all the hub-bub is about, you can watch Tween Fest for free on go90. They got new episodes every Wednesday, which I think is “dope,” even if my daughter says I can’t say that.