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May 11, 2010


New Competition May Further BP's Quarterly Losses

Galveston, TX (CHN) - It's been nearly a month since the tragic explosion and catastrophic oil spill began seeping from British Petroleum's Deepwater Horizon Oil Rig. The problems, however, continue to mount for BP and it's human subsidiaries. In a hastily crafted and oil soaked letter to the Securities and Exchange Commission, the wildlife living in and around the Gulf of Mexico have filed the preliminary documents for America's first 'animal run and operated' oil company.

The Filing confirms what human executives throughout 'big oil' have always feared, an animal run oil company capable of profiteering from today's larger, faster, and increasingly fucked-up oil spills.

"I think they are running a sweat shop; you see endangered Alabama Red-Bellied Turtles gulping down as much oil as they can and then washing up half dead on the beaches of Lafourche Parish, Louisiana. I mean the pay can't be that good," said a market analyst for Exxon-Mobile.

So are the executives at 'big wildlife' getting away with murder just to get the product to market?

While profits seem unlimited with free oil gushing into the gulf every minute; some wildlife representatives are pushing for better worker safety and unionization of the water foul that now carry 60% of the oil to shore where free labor from human volunteers removes the product and sends it to final market.

"So far the promises from big wildlife, notably Sperm Whales and Bottlenose Dolphins, are just that... promises," said an anonymous spokesperson from Greenpeace who believes that wildlife's first oil company is exploiting symbiotic aquatic relationships far beyond basic parasite extraction.

Industry insiders claim that it has always been assumed that sea life would make its presence felt in the multi-trillion dollar oil economy. Celebrity angler Roland Martin discussed the prospects of the new company with CHN this morning:

They have always had the populations and 'street sense' to bring the toxic goo to market. Unfortunately, they just lacked the deep-water drilling rigs capable of precisely tapping wells several miles under the ocean floor (using dynamic space age technologies derived by the worlds top engineers) and then spilling it all over the fucking place so that it could be safely brought to shore".

Now, according to industry analysts, beach-goers, and the clientele of the Red Lobster, the whole system seems to be up and running very efficiently with thousands of gallons of crude arriving every day via hard working bird, fish, and mammals.

But expects warn that with profits pouring in and government watchdogs largely turning a blind eye, that the exploitation of gulf labor could get even worse. "I think you are going to start to see more and more illegal migratory water foul signing on to work the gulf over the coming weeks" said U.S. Fish and Wildlife biologist Gilbert Valeo. Valeo continued, "Migrant birds have already been spotted leaving Latin America and Mexico a full 2 weeks ahead of their normal summer schedule".

But the new multinational company, dubbed 'Free Oil Beatches' has had little push back so far and now has an IPO set for early June to boot. However, aquatic memories of the 1989 'Oil for Salmon' embargo by Killer Whales (following the Exxon Valdez spill) has fish populations swimming randomly about in schools of various sizes, just as they did in 1989 according to snorkelers.