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October 29, 2014
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Of course the vast majority of Hawaiian travelers are harmless, human-temperature people. But when it comes to volcanoes, it only takes one.

Volcano nate.jpg

Which is the volcano and which is the human? Are you sure?

There is terrible danger across the sea, and it is imperative that we not let it reach our fair shores. We must take every measure necessary, no matter how drastic, to keep it at bay.

That is why I am calling for a quarantine on all travelers from Hawaii until they can prove they are not a volcano.

This may seem like an extreme step, but the situation is extreme. The Kilauea volcano is erupting as we speak on the Big Island in Hawaii. Already, forests, fences, and sheds have been demolished, and homes in the town of Pahoa will almost certainly be lost. That is why it is essential that we prevent this volcanic menace from reaching the continental United States. That is why all travelers must be sent to volcano quarantine for at least 21 days at the bottom of a hole.

Of course the vast majority of Hawaiian travelers are harmless, human-temperature people. But when it comes to volcanoes, it only takes one. If a volcano did manage to sneak aboard a plane bound for the mainland, the consequences would be horrific. Can we really allow thousands of potential volcanoes to just walk around showing people their beach photos without doing anything about it?

Some people believe this travel ban is too broad — that we should only quarantine those who we know for sure are volcanoes. But can you tell the difference between a human person and 8 billion tons of rock, ash, and lava at a glance? Would you bet your daughter’s life on it? Your precious sweet daughter?

I didn’t think so.

Nor can we just ask travelers whether or not they are volcanoes. Volcanoes are large molten mountains. They do not have brains. They do not know they are volcanoes.

Here is what I propose:

  • All travelers entering the continental United States from Hawaii will be quarantined at the bottom of a big hole in downstate Illinois, so if they do erupt it won’t hit anything important.
  • There, they will be carefully monitored for signs of smoke, ash secretion, or temperatures in excess of 1,300 degrees.
  • All travelers will, twice a day, be given rocks to hold. If a single one of those rocks melts into lava, that traveler will be considered a volcano.
  • If a traveler is asleep, a nurse will sometimes sneak up and yell, “Are you a volcano?!” to surprise them into admitting it.
  • If a traveler has been found to be a volcano, they will be worshiped as fiery gods. We will bring them our virgins and our finest crops. We are but their puny mortal servants. They may spare us or destroy us as they will.
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