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January 15, 2013

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Discussing raising the debt ceiling, President Obama said America is “not a deadbeat nation.” In related news, African-Americans everywhere are saying "thank you" for America finally paying reparations. 

An al-Qaeda offshoot has pledged to "strike at the heart of France.” Little do they know, he's in Russia

The NRA has released a game for smartphones called "NRA: Practice Range." They also hope to release a rock and roll album and their own line of drugs. 

George H.W. Bush was released from his Houston hospital on Monday after spending two months there. Or as his son refers to it, playing through "Call of Duty" three times. 

A new autopsy report of actress Natalie Wood suggests she may have been assaulted prior to drowning. Because you never stop being beautiful, white, and famous.

The Department of Justice says they're dropping charges against Internet activist Aaron Swartz in light of his recent suicide. That's the Department of Justice: "Are you sure he's dead? Okay...yeah never mind."

2012 saw a record number of military suicides. Accordingly, 2012 is being forced to speak with a therapist. 

On Monday, Lance Armstrong apologized to the staff of his charity, Livestrong, for lying about blood doping. Leaving just one last apology for being an a-hole. 

Robbers allegedly robbed a Berlin bank by digging a 100-foot tunnel. Said local authorities, "We used to be so much better at finding people trying to hide from us." 

The creators of "South Park" announced they're creating their own production company. "We're just excited to see where the future takes us," said new CEO, a talking piece of poo. 

The band Black Sabbath will be releasing its first Ozzy Osbourne-led album in 35 years this June. Keep in mind, the last thing Ozzy Osbourne led was a sensitivity training class at the NRA. Or: Osbourne said it's just been too long since he gave Tony Iommi a high three, low two. 

Some members of the Hollywood community are calling for an Oscar boycott of the film "Zero Dark Thirty" for "promoting acceptance of the crime of torture." Raising the question, what awful things did Leonardo DiCaprio do to get boycotted?