Corn mazes are usually a fun way to spend an autumn afternoon, but there’s always a handful of weekend warriors who are over that shit from the get-go. Here’s a few of the bargains these leaf-peepers have been silently trying to make with the Almighty so they can just be fucking done with the fucking thing.
Emily Wimes, 28
After turning a corner to find a white man in a Native American head dress talking about how “his people” taught the first colonists how to grow “maize,” Emily will let someone spoil ‘The Girl On The Train’ for her so that she can leave the maze.
Eric Freeman, 35
Eric will no longer call cab drivers “buddy” just so his friends will stop pressuring him to be the “corn lady with the big corn tits” on the cut-out picture board for the corn maze.
Maria Fernandez, 41
Maria is willing to let her step-son call her “fake mommy” if it means she won’t have to squat behind a hay bale to take a piss.
Williams Burns, 52
William would consider completely cutting off one, even the good family with the daughter with the soccer scholarship, if someone could promise him that he’d never have to hear “Baby, I’m A-Mazed” played over a shitty PA system again.
Devon Ellis, 32
Devon will reveal to his girlfriend that he was not masturbating to the Victoria’s Secret catalog, but an audio recording of people describing the Victoria’s Secret catalog because he thinks that if he passes by the scarecrow in the Big Papi jersey he’s going to lose his Goddamn mind.
Caroline Scott, 19
Caroline never tweet about athletes kneeling during the national anthem so she and her sister can stop arguing about which way they should turn at the fucking Minions jack-o-lantern for Christ-sake.
Gary Clemens, 44
Gary would give up his rare Garfield comic strip with the misprint where Jon refers to Garfield as ‘Catfield’ so the local teens working the maze will stop telling him to “follow the edge.” He knows he has to follow the fucking edge, OK?
Elena Weiss, 30
Elena has promised to stop sighing deeply when restaurants don’t have her favorite hot sauce if she could just make it out of the portion of the maze where three different couples seem to be currently engaged in acts of oral sex.
Melissa Miner, 29
Would tell her friend the real truth about how she broke his bidet while she was house-sitting so she could stop worrying about her car sinking into the mud ditch where some asshole in an orange vest made her park.
Carter DelMonte, 16
Because Carter’s father continues to get them lost while he tries to work up the guts to talk to Carter about the beer bottle cap his mother found in his room, Carter is now willing go as something else besides “Prison Hillary” for Halloween.
Rachel Srisati, 40
Rachel will stop asking bartenders for “whatever beer has the most hops” if it guarantees that she won’t spend another half hour stuck in the portion of the maze that makes up Peter Griffin’s chin when viewed from above.
Landon Driggs, 22
Landon vowed to stop starting conversations with women he doesn’t know based on the book they’re reading so he can leave before nightfalls and the local community theatre group turns the maze into a haunted house/breast cancer fundraiser.
Anita Graves, 64
Anita will stop leaving her loose change in the bath tub when she’s done “Scrooge McDuck-ing” so tweens will stop hiding in the stalks and throwing cider donuts at her butt. She can see you, OK? She can see all of you.
Sean Reed, 30
With all the wrong turns, Sean cannot help but compare his time in the maze to the last five years of his life has offered to stop tweeting from his new parody Twitter account @ken-boner to make it all go away.