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June 23, 2016

Tips on an important part of our capitalist system

Money. You’ve probably heard of it. Maybe your snooty neighbors talk about spending it, maybe your wife yells at you about not having it, perhaps your bank manager keeps asking why there never seems to be the right amount in your cash drawer. You may not be that familiar with it, but I’ll bet there is one thing that you do know: it’s probably good to have some. This article will not only explain to you what this money stuff is, but also give you tips on how you can get some of your very own.
First things first. You don’t want to come off like an ignorant hick, so let’s get something straight: It pronounced like muny, rhyming with honey. An obvious sign to everyone that you’re not a wheeler dealer is when you pronounce it like moany, rhyming with pony (or even worse, mooney). A mistake like that is sure to expose you as the pathetic loser that you are, forcing you to skulk away in disgrace from your new hoity-toity friends, and will likely ruin any chance of you completing that corporate takeover or loan for a new stapler.
You probably wonder where this money stuff comes from. This is the part that often surprises people. They may have heard that the government is somehow involved, and that it doesn’t grow on trees. All true. But it does grow on a low, broadleaf plant, which the government raises on top secret farms that they establish on land that they’ve stolen from the American people. The tears of citizens being forced off of the land helps to fertilize the soil so that the plants have greater production. The normal soil from a piece of property that the government purchases will likely only produce dollar bill plants, or maybe five dollar bill plants. Something like a farm seized by the IRS from a family that has owned the land for generations only to lose it because of debts caused by paying for a failed critical operation for their child will produce $50 or $100 bill plants.

Once the government has harvested the money, using specially trained blind howler monkeys, they skim some off of the top to pay for their vices, then skim a little more just because it’s what they do, and then they distribute it to banks nationwide so that general population can use it.
Wait a second, I hear you say, if they distribute it to them there banks, can’t I just somehow get money from those? Maybe walk in with a full arsenal of weapons and explosives and ask them to give it to me? Yes indeed, you clearly are a go-getter and a forward thinking person! But some tips. First, you have to go to the right kind of bank. They normally have words like First, National, Dollar, Savings, Community, or some snooty person’s name (like Mellon or Chase) in the name of the bank. They also can sometimes be identified because they tend to have guards there. If you see a guard, it’s likely the good kind of bank. Avoid any banks with words like food, organ, blood, sperm, or left, or you will be sadly disappointed. Secondly, banks sometimes object to people attempting to remove their money, so be warned! You may not be successful if you try at one of those mean-spirited banks, some people clearly do not know the meaning of sharing.
If you’ve decided that the direct approach is not for you, you may have to resort to the time honored method that has been used semi-successfully by many people worldwide. No, not defrauding people out of their retirement savings, that’s for professionals only, such as the aforementioned banks. I’m referring to what we experts call a “job”. We will discuss these job things in part two.