There she is — Kim Davis. The county clerk from Kentucky who says she was called upon by God to deny gay people the right to marry. But just for a moment, let’s forget about how incredibly wrong it is for a person in a public, elected position in the United States of America to let her personal religious beliefs interfere with state matters — not to mention her clearly selfish desire to bring national attention to herself, dogma aside. And let’s also ignore the fact that Kim Davis has herself been divorced three times, which doesn’t exactly make her an authority on marriage of any kind. Instead, look at the above photos and really take in her whole visage, all with just one thing in mind:
There is no way that this woman doesn’t absolutely adore horses.
Just look at her! The extremely long hair, the jumper-style, ankle-length dress, the look of terror when confronted by the world beyond her sad little fiefdom — how can you not imagine a huge, sparkly poster of a triumphant, chestnut stallion hanging above her bed; across the room, her shelves chock-full of horse figurines of all kinds? And before you perverts out there assume we’re talking about “loving horses” in some bestial, sexual sense, that’s not what we’re saying AT ALL. No, we simply mean she has that shy, emotionally-stunted love for horses, much like that girl you went to high school with who was waaaay too into horses for waaaaay too long.
It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? Horses are safe. Horses don’t judge or put a bunch of pressure on you to deal with things you might not be comfortable with. And channeling one’s energy into horses is the perfect sublimation of one’s totally unexplored libido that can also be squelched by denying gay people their constitutionally protected rights. In other words, horses are the platonic ideal; in Kim’s mind, much as in a lonely adolescent’s mind, they’re the pinnacle of aesthetic beauty without the threat of penetration or of having to explore one’s own desires and deeply repressed sexuality, whatever its manifestation may be, much in the way young Leonardo DiCaprio was used as a similar outlet for prepubescent girls in the early ‘90s.
Horses make the world a little less scary, right Kim?
That’s all. That is absolutely all we wanted to say about this soon-to-be-in-the-rearview non-story. We just looked at Kim Davis and we thought, “That woman absolutely loves horses more than just about anything in the world."And by the way, there is absolutely no way we’re wrong about this; we ask anyone looking to say otherwise to once again look at the above photos of Kim Davis.
Right? Now, without further ado, here are some horses Kim Davis would definitely love to brush: