Blue Bell ice cream recently had two of their chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream products test positive for the potentially deadly listeria bacteria. The company has responded by issuing a full voluntary recall of all of their products and will hold off on selling anymore until they implement a process to test all of their ice cream before it goes to market.
They also made this nice little video of the Blue Bell CEO Paul Kruse apologizing.
All this after the Center for Disease Control and Prevention confirmed it was Blue Bell products from their creamery plants in Texas and Oklahoma that were the source of a listeria outbreak that infected multiple individuals, killing three. Blue Bell is not sure how listeria was introduced to their facilities.
Listeria is a bacteria that appears in raw milk and can cause infections in children, pregnant women, and basically all people with weak immune systems. Most of the individuals found to be infected by listeria that was traced back to Blue Bell products found out about it through unrelated doctor visits.
Are you sufficiently terrified enough to avoid ice cream for the rest of your life? You should be! But ice cream is an essential ingredient in some of our most basic human experiences. But also, we all don’t wanna die. So I put together a list of alternatives for the next time you’re in a situation that calls for ice cream.
“Eating a pint of ice cream after breaking up with your significant other”
This is an easy one. Eating a bag of greasy-ass potato chips (like a REAL BIG bag) will provide the same amount of gluttonous shame as the creamy cold stuff. And while spilling potato chips and ice cream onto your gray sweat pants don’t result in the same type of stains, grease stains are actually more permanent and feel grosser for a longer period of time, so that’s a bonus.
“Taking the little league team out for post game ice cream treats”
So your son just hit a game winning dinger out of the park to win the little league county championships and you want to reward him and the rest of the team for all of their hard work this season? Your first instinct is to take them out for ice cream but just think about how complicated that’s gonna be: Who wants what flavor? Cone or cup? Oh some kid wants a phosphate, WTF? Oh yeh, that’s Don and Judy’s kid, he never really had a chance did he?
The best way to avoid all these headaches is to buy a bunch of different bags of chips, throw them in the back of the minivan and let the kids have at ‘em. Kids go gaga for the salty crunch! And if you buy the store brand, it’s easy on the pocketbook!
“Licking ice cream cones on the boardwalk”
Nothing beats a cold, sugary treat while checking out all the new rides and attractions on the summer boardwalk, right? Wrong! Eating some potato chips with a cold soda is basically the same thing, plus you keep your sodium up, which is good for hydration.
“Pie a la mode”
Pie with potato chip crumbs. Don’t throw out the crumbs at the bottom of the bag, save them for the pie!
“The ice cream truck song is heard throughout the neighborhood”
I know you’re thinking I’m gonna propose a potato chip truck here but that’s ridiculous. Any truck I’ve ever been in already has a half full bag of chips in it anyway, so kids will just know to find the closest truck parked on their street, rifle through the glove compartment, and enjoy!
“At the Tastee Freez and you want dessert right after sucking on chili dogs”
That’s insane, Jack and Diane filled up on the free chips that come with the chili dogs. And they were too busy getting ready to run off and fuuuuuuuuuuck to want to waste time on another thing to eat and you should too!