Russian President Vladimir Putin says that FIFA president Sepp Blatter deserves a Nobel Prize for running the international soccer organization, despite the fact that FIFA is currently under investigation for a multi-million dollar corruption scandal. Putin clarified his remarks in the following letter in which he listed others he’d like to nominate for the prize.
Hello Nobel Prize Committee! Your friend Vlad Putin here!
Vlad think it is unfair that Nobel Prize winners always have to be given to lame people like Malala Yousafzai (who?) or European Union (does not allow Russia in, so you know it is garbage) or Barack Obama (no comment). So boring. It would be more better to give Nobel Prize to cool people, like my friend Sepp Blatter. He is — how Americans say? — awesome. To avoid bad Nobel Prize awards in future, Vlad give you handy reference list of other awesome people who deserve Nobel Prize.
Official Vlad Putin Nobel Prize Recommendation List
Bashar al-Assad and Kim Jong-un
This one is tie because they are both my best friends. These guys really know how to implement policy goals. They are committed. When they say they are going to take dictatorial control of their country, they do it. By killing anyone who stand in their way. Wowee. Vlad really admire both these men and strive to be more like them. Watch out, Ukraine.
This Trump guy is real straight talker and maverick who says what everyone’s thinking! Vlad bet he would be good in war unlike phony McCain with dumb war injuries. And If Trump cannot be Nobel Prize winner, then at least he should be next American president, so we can be friends and I can sleep with Trump’s wife. Vlad like Trump’s taste in hot Eastern European women.
George W. Bush
Vlad think W is generally an idiot, but one time W made nice painting of me. Vlad wants to hang up portrait in Russian presidential house bathroom so when people pee in bathroom, they know I am watching. If Vlad get W Nobel Prize, W promises to give me painting. Win-win.
Dwayne “Rock” Johnson
Have you seen Rock without shirt on? Muscle city. He is only man who look better shirtless than me! Rock deserve Nobel Prize for Best Body.
Vlad know you are thinking: “But Vlad, where are ladies on list?” But as you can see with my nomination of Caitlin Jenner, Vlad is very open-minded and progressive thinker. There is old Russian saying: if you have to give award to woman, at least let woman be man.
Just kidding. We can all agree that this is bad idea. Vlad is jokester.
Vlad’s Uncle Boris
Uncle Boris tells best jokes about Chinese people, can drink entire bottle of vodka, and enjoys taking naps in his borscht bowl. Also, he is married to horrible wife Oksana and lives in Siberia. If you cannot win Nobel Prize for this, then no one deserves Nobel Prize ever again, in my opinion.
Look, Vlad is humble man. That is why I put myself last on list. But Vlad is nothing if not modest and honest and realistic and heroic and sexy. Vlad cannot believe I have not gotten Nobel Prize yet. So consider me for Nobel Prize. Or Vlad come to your house and kill everyone with bare hands.
OK, thank you for your consideration!