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January 06, 2015
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A new year means new news!

It’s 2015 and that means we’re in for a new year of scoops, scandals, and exposés. It’s impossible to say for sure what the next 12 months will bring, but I feel confident that the following stories will make an appearance before the year’s end.


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1) An international tragedy will be quickly overshadowed by a racy pic of a Kardashian’s sideboob.

Not saying it’ll be Kim’s. It could be Khloe’s (but it will probably be Kim’s).


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2) Jaden Smith will run for mayor of a small town in the Midwest for some reason.

Try and stop him.


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3) Jared from those old Subway commercials will be embroiled in a heinous sex scandal.

Get ready for a whole lot of footlong puns.


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4) After Hillary announces run for presidency, Fox News will organize a panel to criticize her wardrobe.

At some point, Megyn Kelly will coin the phrase “shoe-gate.”


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5) Michael Bay will announce a sexy, gritty Hey Arnold reboot.

Megan Fox will be cast as Olga, Arnold, and Arnold’s Grandpa. Stoop Kid will be constructed entirely from stop-motion CGI effects.


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6) Ariana Grande will get trapped in a vent.

Not totally sure why, but I have a strong feeling about this one.


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7) CNN will air a six-part story on Renée Zellweger’s face.

60% of it will be clips from Jerry Maguire and Cold Mountain.


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8) Someone will have sex with someone or something they shouldn’t have sex with.

Probably a politician, but it might be a religious leader or one of your childhood heroes.

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