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September 30, 2011

New York, New York (HAHAJK) – Despite being one of MLB’s hottest teams down the stretch, and running away with the AL Central by 15 games over the second place Indians, the Detroit Tigers are not on Satan’s radar.

New York, New York (HAHAJK) – Despite being one of MLB’s hottest teams down the stretch, and running away with the AL Central by 15 games over the second place Indians, the Detroit Tigers are not on Satan’s radar.

Hiis Royal Darkness has once again picked the team he owns the most souls from, the New York Yankees, to take the first divisional round series of the MLB playoffs against Detroit.

A forlorn Derek Jeter sensually massages a ball as he thinks about baseball -- Kim Reinick / Shutterstock.com

The Prince of Liars says he is almost guaranteeing the Tigers lose Game 1 in Yankee Stadium, because it is in his best interest to keep the Bronx Bombers as “the most hated team in baseball.”

“Everybody secretly loves a villain,” Satan tells HAHAJK. “Plus I have a lot of bets out right now on my boys. They will all belong to me in the afterlife, baby. Believe that!”

Satan says he has given Derek Jeter super-human abilities just in time for Game 1, after the longtime legend took out a second mortgage out on his soul.

“It’s pretty common practice, “ Satan says. “It just means they will be three times my b#tch in Hell. I’ll give him d#cks for eyes or something. We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Don’t get my started on A-Rod. That boy’s ass is grass come Judgment Day.

Detroit hopes to get off to a faster start this time around, than in previous series with the Yankees, because Satan has made his precense very well-known.

Tigers' skipper Jim Leyland says, that with Steinbrenner acting as Satan’s right hand man, they have their work cut out for them.

24-game winner Justin Verlander is starting Friday evening against Yankees ace C.C. Sabathia with Games 1, 2 and 5 in New York, and Games 3 and 4 back in the Motor City.

Tigers say their best chance will include “Blessed Gatorade”, and a pre-game blessing from a priest.

“We have to be ready for anything,” Leyland adds. “ That Satan guy is a real devil.”

Satan says that if the Yankees fall behind early in the series he may have to coax some Tigers into some deals so they succumb to his will.

He told HAHAJK, “I have a lot of empty promises up my sleeve.”

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