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Published January 07, 2014

As the year draws to a close, we are all bombarded with lists of the year in review and predictions of what is to come in the following year, but this public “wish list” to porn directors stands out from the crowd, hits the nail on the head for some of the parts of being a porn actress that are downright annoying (and even dangerous), and ties it all up in a tongue-in-cheek “Memo To Porn Directors” of some things they could do to make things better in the coming year.

Written by MikeSouth.com contributor, Lacey Blake, it’s well-worth syndicating in full!

As it appeared in the December 20th edition of MikeSouth.com:

I was slowly getting sick and tired of talking about the medical crap on here. I wanted something to discuss that had nothing to do with the testing portion of the industry. So, I decided to make my own 2014 wish list to all porn directors. I’m going to try to keep it focused on hetero. b/g porn because that’s the majority of what I watch. Also, for research purposes: Age demographic: 25-35. Gender: Female. Location: USA. As stated previously, I know industry politics quite well. But, I couldn’t even name the top porn film from last year. I could, however, give you HIV statistics. Yeah, we’ll just leave it at that… I don’t know shit about films. Therefore, this list has been compiled from my own viewing whether for personal use or research purposes depending on the topic or subject currently being discussed. So, just to be clear, I’m not some sort of porn historian. This should become obvious pretty quickly.
But, remember it’s all done in fun!!!

1. SO, WHERE’S THE FUCKING GUY?- Do you have any idea how frustrating it is during the pop shot to actually hear a guy moaning or grunting while jerking off and then having to watch his little penis head jerk around on the side edge of the screen, but we never actually get to see the guy? Hello? Females watch porn too, you know?

Porn Star Monkey Face

Traditional Male Porn Star “Monkey Face” used to show he is having a big orgasm!

**WISH 1** During the pop shot, I would like for the camera to zoom in on the ceiling so everyone can hear the action, but can’t see a god damn thing. Actually, you really could just turn out the lights and do the pop shot in the dark. That might work too?
Damn, the guy viewers would be pissed..

2. FACIAL GAMES – As much as I’ve written about them, everyone should already know my views on facials at this point. But, I do realize there are many out there who like giving, watching and/or receiving facials. No problem. Everyone likes their own thing especially regarding sex. But, as a female viewer, most of the time it’s exactly like watching one of those carnival games where you squirt water from a gun into a clown’s mouth to pop a balloon on top and then win some shitty ass prize. My overall reactions during pop shots vary, but generally start with “Close your eyes!!!” which then sometimes leads to “What a fucking asshole.. right in her eye. Well, I told her to close her fucking eyes.” As you can tell I’m now yelling at my computer. This is not very arousing.

**WISH 2** Male performers should receive prizes for shooting their load directly into a partner’s mouth. This is not the easiest task and should be rewarded. Probably not with stuffed animals, but I’m sure you’ll think of something? Candy might work?? Or, maybe even fruit?? I’ve heard some porn stars love fruit, especially the guys.

squirter

Take It Like A Man!

3. SQUIRTING AT A PUSSY – Squirting is a tricky one. Sometimes it works great in a scene and other times it just looks rather ridiculous. But, my main complaint here is when I see a male performer actually playing something similar to dodgeball during the squirting process. It’s not going to kill you, wussy. Plus, she’s letting you shoot a load directly in her face… like right in the vicinity of her eyeballs. Don’t be a pussy. Take that shit like a champ.. and then lick it up off the floor.

**WISH 3** Hire some non-pussy guys who can take a female shot to the face without ducking just like the girls have to do.

boob-job

Too much of a good thing usually turns bad….

4. BOOB ADVICE – I have to admit that I’m really quite pleased that natural boobs have made a comeback. Of course, there are still many boob jobs out there.. but, there have been a few that I would bet money on in Vegas that they were real and then find out they are indeed fake. During these moments, I have an odd desire to go hug their doctor for doing such amazing work. Then there are the obnoxiously fake circus tents, nipples pointing toward the sky, nipples pointing in different directions, boobs that refuse to move while laying down or the worst where you can see the actual implant moving under the skin.. just no.

**WISH 4** If there is any doubt, please get them fixed or removed. I really don’t want to think about Paris Hiltons’ wonky eyes or Farrah Abrahams’ brick tits. Actually, I’m pretty sure I read somewhere that Abraham had hers fixed recently, but I kindly refuse to verify this. Whether she has nice boobs or ugly boobs, she still looks like a fucking camel.

5. THROAT FUCKING VOMIT – As someone who is outside of the industry, let me assure you there are very few, especially girls, who understand throat fucking or it’s purpose. I get it so it doesn’t really bother me. Most of the time it seems to go on forever, but I’ll deal. I just want to know who came up with the brilliant idea of making someone vomit on a dick. It’s fucking disgusting. Have you ever smelled vomit? It’s like the worst smell in the whole fucking world. Gross.

**WISH 5** Please start issuing “vomit warnings.” Seriously.

6. GANGBANG SUCK-OFFS – To be honest, I don’t watch that many gangbangs. They’re so god damn distracting.

gangbang

Some enchanted evening, You may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across a crowded room….

The one thing I always notice though is when guys look at other guys during gangbangs. I tend to find this absolutely 100% hysterical so I probably notice it more than others, but if you’re fucking a chick while staring intensely at another male performer who’s jerking off next to you then you might be on the wrong side of the industry? Nevermind, we already know the answer to that one..

**WISH 6** Well, this one should be obvious. A male suck-off during a female gangbang. Although, this wish is purely based on the hope that the hetero. male viewer’s reaction would be hysterically funny.

7. NO STRIP TEASE PLEASE – What in the fuck is the god damn point of this? As a female viewer, all I’m thinking about is how much I like her bra and where did she buy those shoes?

**WISH 7** If you’re going to make me sit through this shit then at least include the manufacturers of all garments and shoes. That way I can shop while waiting for the never-ending dance routine to finally end. I guess I could just hit fast-forward, but I would still appreciate manufacturers names. Thank you.

Voguing For The Box Cover

All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up!

8. THE VOGUE SYNDROME – No one gives a shit about your “best side” or how you can contort your body into 50 fucking poses while having sex. This isn’t the Miss USA pageant and you’re not a Victoria’s Secret Angel. Just fuck already… it doesn’t have to be that god damn complicated.

**WISH 8** This one annoys me so much that I think posing should be punished with a cum shot to the eye. Sorry, I know this one sounds harsh. But, it’s for your own good.

And, you’re welcome.

~Lacey

Well put, Lacey!

I have a few of my own to add:

  • Woman In Adult Diapers

    Does Worker’s Comp Cover This?

    Enough of the extreme anal, for Christ’s sake!  Sure, a little anal added into the mix is always fun and hot for some to watch, but PLEASE! Enough of seeing just how much stuff you can cram up the girl’s can, ranging from multiple dicks, fists, Cuisinarts and small SUVs.  What this is doing is injuring your performers, often resulting in permanentAnal Prolapsus (and a lifetime in adult diapers).  It is also having the other effect of yet more and more and more extreme anal content getting floated onto the tubes with no age verification.  Nothing is going to piss off a censorship advocate more than discovering his teenage kid has been watching full bore extreme anal gangbangs and then throw another log in the fire for ISP level filtering of adult content like they are trying to do in England these days.

  • feminist porn

    Feminist Porn? What does that even MEAN?

    Enough of the “Feminist Porn” labeling.  Yes, Ms. Director, you are female, are a self-described feminist, and making porn with soft filters, harp music, and extended expository dialogue scenes to establish it’s all female-positive, but let’s face it: it’s still porn as soon as the actors start having sex of any kind.  Yes, DO practice ethical shooting practices, treat your performers well, avoid activities that may cause injury or illness, but let’s all try to think of a new term for it?  Last I checked, the term “Feminism” was defined as “the advocacy of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men”.  That is a sociological/political term, not a definition of movie shooting style!  All women viewers are individuals and have a vast variety of tastes and turn-ons.  Lumping them all together for some sort of political statement is not real helpful in diversifying the styles and genres of content that we produce and direct.

And, by way of my co-producer of FemBot movies, Porn Star Veteran Ashley Fires, adds this very practical advice on a topic most people have never have even though of:

  • no tooth brushing

    No Tooth Brushing!

    STOP having the performers brush their teeth just before shooting scenes!  Yes, everyone like minty fresh breath when in close and intimate proximity to others, but every time one brushes their teeth, it creates hundreds of miniature abrasions inside the mouth that are perfect entrances for any number of STDs carried in by semen, vaginal, and any other mucus. Sure, use condoms if that’s your policy as a law-abiding director in LA country, but that really doesn’t help much when an errant pop-shot hits the mouth, girl-girl cunnilingus, bareback blowjobs, and even spitting into each other’s mouths (which seems to be some odd genre right now).  Tic-Tacs will do the trick just fine for the minty breath.  Just suck, don’t chew them!

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