* A total of 63.2 million viewers watched the debate in Nashville, Tenn., between Democratic Sen. Barack Obama and Republican Sen. John McCain. What few noticed, was Sarah Palin.
She snuck into the town hall meeting. Pretending to be "Sandra Praline" from "Alas..Altlanta," she asked, "Hi, yeah, Senator, McCain, I, as well as many others in this great nation, along with my husband Todd..er.. Tom, yeah Toddertom, want to know how you got to be so gosh darn mavericky."
To which McCain responded, "You see my friend, the Straight Talk Express only has room for Mavericks. With the pork bellies and earmarks... I think I need a nap."
* Researchers have discovered cells taken from men's testicles seem as versatile as the stem cells derived from embryos. In an effort to avoid the ethical dilemma of embryonic stem cells, which are harvested in a process that destroys the embryos, scientist say this may be the solution.
Sources close to men everywhere say, "Over my dead sac!"
* MINNEAPOLIS — United Airlines announced it will lay off 414 mechanics.
Sources close to air travelers everywhere say, "How about we ditch the useless bitches who give the crash speech at the beginning of each flight, and just keep the mechanics on so the planes just... don't crash? How 'bout that? Hmmm... how 'bout it?"