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December 09, 2010

Here's a letter I recently wrote to my good pal, Batman...

Dear Batman,

I was wondering if you would like to hang out sometime. Maybe play some Scrabble? Admittedly, while we're playing Scrabble, there won't be much cause for crime fighting or anything like that. If you get the urge to kick somebody's ass while we're playing Scrabble, my grandma has a very selective memory, especially when it comes to taking her meds, so if she does this while you're over, feel free to kick her ass. I'm at my wits end with her. Maybe the occasional ass-kicking is just what grandma needs.

If need be, I wouldn't be opposed to you bringing Cat Woman over. Although, I prefer Scrabble games to be one on one, so if you decided to bring Cat Woman over, it'd probably be best if you waited in the Bat Mobile while me and Cat Woman played together. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, and I don't know if you and Cat Woman are "together" or anything, but I find Cat Woman's incessant, sensual purrs and growls to be a bit distracting, if not arousing. So, if worse comes to worst, you may have to wait in the Bat Mobile longer than expected. Then again, I've never been the best at deciphering woman's signals, and her being so damn Cat-like doesn't make the deciphering any easier. Just to be on the safe side, maybe we should have an intervention to get her to quit coming off so damn sexy. There's a lot of stray cats where I live. We don't need anymore.

By the way, I'm highly aware that I still owe you 20 bucks from that time we went to the movies. That was fun. I just wish Robin didn't sneak in the booze and get sick all over the place. Those people work hard enough to keep the theaters clean, and they shouldn't have to clean up Robin's throw-up all the time. So, about the 20 bucks, do me a favor and tell Alfred to stop sending me nasty texts messages about paying you back. The other day, I swear to god, he texted me like 10 times in an hour. The man is a menace.  If you ask me, that man's in dire need of a hobby. As long as that hobby isn't being a fucking asshole with the texting.

Your friend,

Michael Zinetti

PS In case I don't see you before Christmas, have a nice Christmas. I hope all your Bat Wishes come true.

PPS Could you tell Cat Woman the next time you see her I got checked out and I'm clean, so it's on her, whatever it is.