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July 07, 2015
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A small town in New York was devastated by two back to back natural disasters (and a prison escape). But everyone's totally chillin.

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Residents of Wilmington, NY experienced a series of incredibly devastating events earlier this week. An F4 tornado hit the town,once the tornado subsided; it was immediately followed by an earthquake (an unnatural occurrence for the area). The earthquake went on for a solid 4 minutes. It rattled buildings, caused sinkholes, and some flooding for those close to lakes in the area. Just when you think that this town had had enough, A group of criminals had escaped from a nearby maximum security prison and began running loose in the town. Amazingly, nobody in the town is injured or dead.

The freak tornado appeared out of nowhere on a day many meteorologists predicted to be partly cloudy at worst. The twister ripped through the town blowing glass out of windows, destroying infrastructure, and even took with it “Queen Mary”, a local monument that had been in the town for generations. Yet somehow, everyone got out without a scratch.

Local resident Brett Bretterson, self-proclaimed Record breaker (locally known as the town dumbass) told news outlets: “I got my friends a few tasers so that they could electrocute me. I don’t know what record I’d be setting, but I figure [sic] that if they had shock [sic] me for long enough, then I’d set one of em…[sic]. But right before they could do it, the sky got dark and a tornado ripped through our neighborhood. We closed our eyes and got on the ground, but when we opened them everybody okay. Our house was a little beat up, but nobody had a scratch on them… I was SO pissed.”

Following the Tornado, which normally would have annihilated anything in its path, was the earthquake. One of the places hardest hit was the hospital, which at the time had an abnormally high amount of elderly patients,weak children, and people on the brink of death in general. Most of the windows in the building had shattered and life-sustaining machines were damaged beyond repair. When asked about the state of the patients in the hospital, A doctor told us: “ I can’t believe everyone here is okay. I might have scratched my finger,and that’s the biggest MIGHT I’ve ever used”

Janice Whitman, a woman visiting the hospital, told us: “my mom’s been in a coma for 8 years, we we’re about to pull the plug on her when the earthquake hit. Not only was everyone in the hospital totally okay, but my mom actually woke up! We we’re like, what?! What?!!” But Janice isn’t the only one who’s benefited from these natural disasters. Aside from damaged buildings,the outcome of these forces of destruction has been overwhelmingly positive.

“it seems like everyone had something good happen to them as a result of these disasters. People are finding lost pets, the town dumb ass is alive and well, and the Queen Mary is finally gone. Nobody liked that piece of shit, but it cost the city a good chunk of money to destroy it, so we kind of just let it sit there…” said the mayor. When asked about the escaped criminals,she told us: “all of them actually turned themselves in. During the disasters they reflected on their crimes, and wanted to do whatever they could to make things right. We’re considering lessening their sentences.”

“Sure our town is damaged, but we will rebuild” said the mayor.“I can’t wait until we get hit by another series of natural disasters that would normally kill everyone.”

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