God is everywhere, especially during Lenten season.
Maury: Alright I'm here once again with Mary for the 20th time to test who she thinks is the father of her baby!
Mary: I'm 110% sure that He is the Father of my baby.
Maury: Well the results are in for the 2042 year old Jesus, God, You Are The Father.
Joseph jumps up and does the, 'not the baby daddy dance'.
Mary, "See? I told you I'm a virgin."
God: That baby's looks more like Maury than me! Starts to runs backstage.
Maury: Wait God, seems when it comes to little Lesha Quartarius You are The Father as well. As a matter of fact, we took dna from the whole audience and....
Flip the channel
Satan walks into Pawn Shop. Rick asks, "What'dya got today?"
Satan: I'd like to sell my Snuggie.
Rick: What can you tell me about it?
Satan: Well it's hot as hell and not flame retardant.
Rick: What are you lookin to get for it?
Satan: Your soul.
Rick: Nah can't go there, best I can do is store credit.
Cut to commercial
It's Girls Grown Chia
It doesn't matter if they're underage, they're Chia tits.
Jerry Springer's next guest, Cain, says his brother Seth is sleeping with their sister.
Flip the channel
Enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Sheindlin. The people are real, the cases are real, the rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.
Oprah (Plaintiff) Who is this Jorge Mario Bergoglio? I was supposed to be pope! I picked out a fabulous hat and earth shattering rays of light to encompass my un-encompassable being.
Not to mention those earrings.
Judge Judy: I make the decisions around here!
Oprah: (points at God) He signed a promissory note...
Judge Judy: I don't care if he signed the Declaration of Independence
God (Defendant): Well, I authored The Ten Commandments.
Judge Judy (yelling):Well I wrote:
God: And I peed on your leg and you thought it was raining.
Oprah: Well I don't think it's fair.
Judy: I don't care what you think, I determine what is fair. When you become a judge we will talk.
God: Of that you can be sure.
Judge Judy: If you live to be 100 you will never be as smart as me.
Oprah: Someone's a little full of herself.
God: I know you are, but what am I?
Judge Judy: Do You come from a long line of idiots?
God: No, you just turned out that way.
Judy: Are you on any medication?
God: No, but the results are in and you are the baby daddy!
(c) copyright donna maysack 2013
judge judy quotes