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Published November 07, 2012

Longshot Libertarian Party candidate Gary Johnson reacted bitterly to the results of the November 6 election, complaining, “I feel like I wasted $500 on this stupid race.”

Addressing a half-dozen supporters in the back room of a Cici’s Pizza, Johnson was despondent as he considered the financial wreckage of his ill-fated candidacy.

“I thought it’d be a fun, inexpensive way to make my voice heard,” Johnson said. “Now I’m just thinking that I could’ve bought an iPhone, and it would’ve made about as big a political impact.”

Johnson’s chief of staff finally persuaded the candidate to give a formal address to his devoted followers, but the speech quickly devolved into regret and recriminations.

“I was told when I entered this race that I was throwing my money away,” Johnson said. “Unfortunately, nobody told me about Staples’s no-return policy.”

Johnson added, “In retrospect, I should’ve focused less on saving our civil liberties, and more on saving my goddamned receipts.”

Meanwhile, the ex-governor’s running mate, Jim Gray, was disappointed to discover that he wouldn’t receive any financial compensation for his efforts, but expressed hope that he’d still get the college credit he’d been promised.

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