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September 27, 2009



     The title is from Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love".  Well, Mr. Hagar, I posit the following:  Why Can't You Make Any Fucking Sense?

     It really looks silly on the page.  Lyrics like that get a pass because of everything else going on in the song, but I occasionally feel compelled to call someone out on 'em.  Really?  Time is the test?  And the one grading our test?  Seems skewered, Samuel.  Oh, & GTFOMVH (get the fuck outta my van halen).

     So that brings me to the next part of Lyrical Musings.  80's metal, specifically.  I'll balance things a bit with this gem:

"I will keep my own time
What's yours is really mine
I won't let you swallow me
your doctrines will not shine
Rebellion is your pestilence
I'll never be confined
Forever you shall yield to me
Anarchy DIVINE!"

From Fates Warning's "Anarchy Divine", 1988

     That was just to freshen things up a bit & offer something integral, since utilizing the phrase "She said..." to riff on gaudy sexual exploits was where we left off.  A breakdown:

-Song subject: boinking a teenage girl

                   -underlying themes: I am a desirable male whom females cannot resist; you are not.  But you are listening to my song.  Also, to balance the tone so that it doesn't sound too giddy that I am getting laid by a sexy teenager, i.e., this happens all the time, but I fuckin' love it

                   - prominence of vocals: 60%  guitars: 30%  percussion: 10%.  Conclusion: the vocals are very important

                   -need for sexual metaphors: highsuggestions: penetration-not really covered, possibly too much information; girl in question's lust factor: discuss how she was looking at me, quote girl's dialogue (she said...), point out how little time passed from when we first met to when we started fucking, present factual information on how short girl's skirt was, try very hard to include dialogue regarding how much this girl's sister wanted to fuck me, too; Quality of the sex we had: relate how loud girl screamed/moaned, even describe girl as "screamer" or "moaner", ESSENTIAL-talk about how quickly girl requested to "do it again", describe girl's reaction as dazed, amazed, enthusiastic, overwhelmed, a feline-like satisfaction  substitution for the word "fucking", or for that matter "sex" (we in metal do not use these words)-push, push; "do it", bringing me to the floor, "making" her, going all night, going all night long (use of either is dependent on ryhming factor), shake, do me, do her, getting busy, make love (ballads ONLY), "going", "went", did the deed, rocked, rocking, rock her, rock me, rock you, and in general anything overheard on a playground is pretty good

                     -The Plot:  big show in big city, girls come to show and scream for me/us.  We rock.  We rock fuckin' hard.  We blow the people away.  We rock so hard, the girls cannot wait to get backstage.  We go backstage.  The girls come backstage.  The prettiest girl wants me; it is obvious to all.  She's hot.  We "do it".  Selected metaphor for fucking is repeated several times, guitar solo, we're out.  Don't wait up.


Sorry, a little unpolished, but you get the point.  And it only took me 20 years to crack the code!  The artistic limits imposed on a piece of music with this blueprint are severe.  But I handed over my monetary donations at the time, no doubt.  Perhaps in an alternate universe, those dollars would have been put towards a legal defense, as metal rockerz across the country are hauled in & thrown before the judge:

Judge: "I see here, Mr. Blacky Roxxxalot, that charges of sexual assault, sexual battery, statutory rape, & several others have been made against you."

Blacky: "They ain't true, BLLAAAAAAHH!"

Judge: "I'll take that as a 'not guilty' plea.  Bear in mind that in the dozens of charges against you, there is overwhelming DNA evidence, hundreds of eyewitnesses who are very enthusiastic about testifying against you, & of course, all of the...er, 'songs' you wrote effectively broadcasting your heinous criminal behavior."

Blacky: "HA!  Well, I dunno about all that other SHIT, but my songs clearly mention that before I assaul....uh, 'made love' to any of 'em, I was formally invited to do so, because, well, 'she said' so."

Judge: "That's hardly airtight.  In each & every case, the 'she' in question has utterly refuted ANY suggestive dialogue which you so frequently 'quote' in your rock/roll songs.  It is this courts conclusion that the 'invitations', or any manner of consent you claim, was not from the victims, but some sociopathic conversation you had with your own overwrought libido.  GUILTY."

     Oh, well!  At least some rockin' occurred before the hammer dropped. 

That's me being sexually assaulted by a Metal Chick circa 1988.  She told everyone "He said...", but I know better.  It's doubly painful, because I was already the victim of my own hair. 

     One last island to visit before the 3-hour tour is over.  Lenny Kravitz!  His song "Lady", for your consideration:

     Let's talk about Lenny Kravitz' song "Lady".  I cannot think of a better example of idiotic lyrics to a song.  I inadvertently hear this song regularly, and the rage continues to mount.  This is also the guy who sang, "Fly up high, like a dragonfly". 

      "I know/she's a little lay-day

      I'm crazy/for this little lay-day

     sophista-cated lay-dy

    she makes me feel good/she's so fine"

     Good for you, Lenny.  I wonder how she feels about you.  You sound like the village idiot drooling over the niiiice librarian.  "I know she's a little lady"?  What the Fuck?  There should be penalties.  I mean really.  The production on this track has the vocals crystal clear, front and center.  It adds to the outrage.  They could have a contest where chimpanzees and kindergartners write songs about liking pretty girls, and Maestro Kravitz would be lucky to receive an honorable mention with this as an entry.  I mean I really fucking hate this song.

     An Anger Management curriculum has helped immensely since then.  In fact, it's taken me hours to write this because I keep stopping to call my Mom & running down to pick up a ladle at the Soup Kitchen, but I still think Kravitz is a card-carrying member of the "Sunglasses Club".  That would be a shadowy, international group of musicians who are more famous for their eye wear & general accessorizing than for making good music or contributing anything un-ass to the cultural zeitgeist.