Full Credits

Stats & Data

April 27, 2015

America needs a hero. A hero that's colorblind, has 4 legs, and bad breath. Ladies and gentlemen, we've found him.

FBI Dog.jpg

The FBI is a valuable resource for America. Every day hundreds of men and woman in the Federal Bureau of Investigation are putting everything on the line to protect American citizens. It’s a dangerous job that requires sacrifice, hard work , and a strong sense of justice. With that said,we’d like you to meet our newest member: special agent Shaggy the dog! He’s 5years old, a Newfoundland mix, and one of the best goddamn agents we have. Shaggy may look like your typical house dog on the outside, and that’s because he is(he’s an adorable little doggie), but on the inside lies the skill set to protect American soil from terrorism.

We first heard of Shaggy after he stealthily evaded capture for 6 months. Whether it was local residents or zoo officials, it didn’t matter! Nobody could capture this pooch! Surviving outside in the cold winter weather, not even tranquilizers could take this dog down!That’s when we knew that we needed Shaggy to join our foreign intelligence department. We thought “if a dog like this can survive on it’s own for this long without being captured, then he should have no problem infiltrating corrupt governments to retrieve information for us.” Surprisingly, training Shaggy was no problem. He picked up using a gun, coding, and creating elaborate disguises in only 5 days. The only thing we’re still having trouble with is getting him to sit, our strategy of saying “Sit Shaggy! Shaggy Sit!” isn’t really working out. Talk about a loose canon!

Shaggy’s first mission was sneaking into drug ring to investigate claims of human trafficking. One of our top agents, Roland Santiago,joined him on the case. Who would have thought that Roland: a Harvard graduate with a masters in criminal justice, and Shaggy: a 5 year old Newfoundland mix,could make such a great team. In his report, Roland told of one of the most daring experiences during the investigation:

“…I finally caught up to Danny “Dragon” Gomez at the warehouse, there I found him holding the mayors daughter at gun point. He said if I didn’t get rid of my gun then He’d kill her, so I complied. I tossed my gun, and out of nowhere, shaggy came in chasing a squirrel. While Dragon was distracted, I picked up my gun and shot him in the shoulder. Shaggy is a no good, radical, son of a bitch. But goddammit, it’s thanks to him that I got that clean shot.169 teenage sex workers (and 1 mayor’s daughter) got to go home to their families that day, and they have a 5 year old Newfoundland mix to thank for that”Roland Santiago

But no matter how good of an agent Shaggy might be, he is not without his flaws. He often comes to work and chews on our furniture,pisses in the conference room if somebody doesn’t take him on a walk, and at last years office Christmas party, he got drunk and dry humped the receptionist(we had to transfer the receptionist to a different department since he felt uncomfortable around shaggy after that). Still, Shaggy has proven himself to bean invaluable asset to the FBI. When I look at the number of people he’s saved,good deeds he’s done, and crime rings he brought down with his jowls alone,it’s worth working with him to fix these problems. Hell, I even forgave him when he fucked the shit out of my over sized teddy bear collection. However, I will not be inviting Shaggy over for dinner anytime soon…

We are very excited to have shaggy the Newfoundland pooch as a permanent agent to the FBI. If we know anything, it’s that working with the FBI isn’t for everyone. Many come in thinking that this job is going to be exactly like what you see on shows like CSI, Criminal Minds, and movies like“The Heat”, but it’s not. We need operatives who are committed to keeping our nation safe. Shaggy, a 5-year-old dog that shits on our lawn is one of those operatives. I think we all can say that not only is this dog man’s best friend,He’s America’s best special agent.