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December 08, 2009

I was really pissed when the Seth Rogan-scripted Superbad came out. Not because it’s a bad movie -- it was actually a really funny movie, and I remember it being a high point in an otherwise Summer of shitty movies that let me down.

No, I’m pissed because, in the movie, Jonah Hill’s character reveals that he has compulsion for drawing dicks.

And that pisses me off because I like drawing dicks, too. In fact, I’ve been drawing dicks since I was in high school. And I even created my own dick-themed character when I was in college. His name is Dick Head and he’s a bitter penis that gives dirty looks to people.

Although Dick Head’s body is a pretty much an accurate rendition of my body, I think you’ll agree that his face has a Toby Maguire quality to it.

And he even has a signature catchphrase, “Piss off!”, which he says whenever someone is pissing him off.

In addition, I also created several dick-related characters to converse with Dick Head in a locker room environment.

There’s Curtis, his smooth-talking black friend:

You can tell that Curtis is black because he’s holding a basketball.

And finally there’s Dick Head’s roided-out buddy named Blake:

Now I know a lot of you are gonna say, “bullshit.” You got that idea from watching Superbad.

Wrong. And I can prove it.

In addition to my college roommates, there’s another group of people who can prove that I created Dick Head before I saw Superbad, and those people are the short order cooks from the Ground Round located on Center Street in Auburn, Maine.

When I was home in Maine, during my summer breaks from college, my friends and I would often end up at the Ground Round after a night of drinking.

The Ground Round had these clear plastic display cubes placed on each table which they would use to display their weekly Happy Hour specials -- but I soon learned that you could lift the plastic cube off of the display box and remove the paper that had the Happy Hour information printed on it.

I would go one step further and turn the Happy Hour printings inside out so I could write obscene comments and then place them back inside the clear plastic display cubes for the next patrons who sat at the table to see.

The last time I went to the Ground Round in August of 1998, before I headed back to Syracuse for my junior year of college, I decided to draw a picture of Dick Head to leave inside the display cube.

My friends laughed at the drawing, we said our goodbyes for the semester, and I headed back to Syracuse the next morning.

About five months later when I returned home for Christmas break, my friends and I met at the Ground Round for a couple drinks, and while we were there, I doodled a picture of Dick Head on the receipt that our waitress gave us.

When our waitress returned to the table, she looked at the picture of Dick Head in confusion and asked me, “where did you get that!??”

I told her that I drew it and she immediately ran into the kitchen.  She came back a few moments later with the original Dick Head drawing that I left in the display cube the Summer before.

As it turns out, most short order cooks are retarded or, at the very least, they have very small IQ’s, so it only makes sense that they would instantly gravitate towards a picture of a talking penis. And the cooks at the Ground Round were no different -- they loved that picture of Dick Head so much that they even hung it up in the kitchen so they could laugh at it every day.

Sadly, in the ten years since that happened, the Ground Round closed down and was replaced by a Mexican restaurant called Margaritas.

So if there’s any short order cooks out there who remember Dick Head, please call up Seth Rogan or Judd Apatow and tell them I came up with it first.