Washington Redskins at Pittsburgh Steelers:RG3PO – “Look at our running back, he’s headed for that small moon.” Shanahan – “That’s no moon. It’s Casey Hampton!” Steelers by 10.
Carolina Panthers at Chicago Bears: Cam Newton will throw two touchdowns this week, both to Charles Tillman of the Bears. Bears by 18.
San Diego Chargers at Cleveland Browns: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you Norv Turner, you’re screwed. Browns by 2.
New England Patriots v. St. Louis Rams at London:Why are we giving England American football? Shouldn’t we start with the basics first? Like dentistry and tooth brushing? Rams by 5 in the upset.
Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions: Donkey Kong Suh almost broke Jay Cutler in half last week. Russell Wilson still hasn’t cleaned the crap out of his pants. Lions by 10.
Miami Dolphins at NY Jets: Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling…toward mediocrity. If these excuses for NFL teams are on your TV. Shoot your TV. Jets by 1.
Atlanta Falcons at Philadelphia Eagles: I shared a kennel at the Washington Animal Rescue League with some of Mike Vick’s dogs. Falcons by 456,222.
Jacksonville Jaguars at Green Bay Packers:This will not end well. It will not be pretty. It’ll be uglier than the lovechild of Andrew Luck and Scotty Pippen. Ugh. Packers by 30.
Indianapolis Colts at Tennessee Titans: The only difference between Andrew Luck and a Wookie is the extra fur, and I’m not even sure about that. Titans by 3.
Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs: These teams are so bad their mothers never loved them. Chiefs by who-gives-a-damn.
NY Giants at Dallas Cowboys: Has anybody ever been to Texas? On purpose, I mean. Giants by 5.
New Orleans Saints at Denver Broncos: The Saints are only a couple pieces from being really good. Unfortunately, one of those pieces is the defense. Broncos by 3.
San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals: I went to a strip mall in Phoenix, but I repeat myself. Cards by 10.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings:When does Florida get an NFL team? Vikings by 7.