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Published: July 13, 2011
Description: I want a son. Don't worry about being a mother. If you are interested please continue reading.

I want a son. Don't worry about being a mother, I'll take care him. If you are interested please continue reading.

My DNA isn't terrible. My family has a few cases of schizophrenia, depression, alzheimers, Crohn's disease, irrital bowel syndrome, paranoia, and chicken pox. But have you looked around? You won't find a pair of genes this good anywhere else. We're in a recession. The market is weak.

I have an indent in my chest, but it doesn't threaten your health. If our child is blessed with the indent, he will be able to eat snacks out of it until about age thirteen, when he will begin to sprout chest hairs, and it will get complicated when the cinnamon toast crunch gets tangled and the sprinkles can never be recovered from the dark abyss.

I do have quite a bit of hair. It's the Italian in me. But I'm only twenty five percent, so once we mix our genes it should take our child down to around 10 or 15%, and that seems like a safer number to be Italian. If you don't even want 10% Italian I understand.

I don't mind what race you are, just as long as your chromosomes aren't more dominant than mine. I want the baby to look like me so I have that needed reminder that he is my child. If he is super asian or red head or something, I may get too much of a rush while spanking him with my wooden paddle.

Please make sure you are not ugly. If the child ends up ugly, I won't be able to take him to the park to attract cute girls. I'd have to buy one of those mini dogs instead. No man wants to do that.

If you are a hyper person, or have one of those whiney pitched voices, please do not apply. I want him to be easy to hang out with. I can't take one of those hyper whiney kids that run around in circles and screams nonsense. That's a formula for domestic violence. I am not a violent person but I haven't met our son yet, I don't know what he is capable of.

I will leave it up to him if he wants to be gay or not. I will explain to him that sex is just a matter of friction, and in the end we all like to be rubbed. So rub away. Just don't forget to use a rubber before you rubber. Or him. But he probably won't listen because kids will be kids, and if that's what the kids are doin, then fuck it, that's what the kids are doin.

When he asks me where babies come from, I want his experience to be like the first time I asked my parents that question. My mother took me in the back seat of our mini van while my Dad drove, and she used her index finger for the male example and put her other hand in an o shape for the female. It gave me a visual that horrifi...taught me how to have sex...for the rest of my life.

The first time he has sex, he may think back to the lesson I taught him and remember how I used the pointy finger to accurately penetrate the o shape. Start slow son, stay in the moment, listen to the woman, begin to rub faster and remember to take the pointy finger outside of the o shape before you finish.

If you are worried that I may not be the ideal father for your son, rest assured that I will tell him I love him on a weekly basis. Maybe even a daily basis. As long as he isn't super asian or red head or something. But you never know. The market is weak.

Now accepting applications.