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11 Funny Votes
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Published June 02, 2011

  Hey buddy, come here, I got a secret to tell ya. FUCK YOU!  Why am I the last person in New York to think jean shorts are completely inappropriate on a DUDE?  I know I'm in the minority, seeing how more than half of you probably own a pair, so all I can say to that is, fuck you for propagating the lie that jean shorts are fashionable.  This doesn't make you a bad person, it just means I hate your jean shorts.  I really fucking hate them and I hope they rot in hell. 

  My generation fought tirelessly to eradicate the plague of jorts.  We watched helplessly while hapless dads, rednecks, and wiggers (that is the correct spelling you racist son of a bitch) tried to destroy coolness and sensibility with a mere few feet of denim.  We asked, "What are you thinking?  You know that doesn't look good right?"  Not all the blame can be thrown on these unwitting victims.  Jean shorts were a socio-economic indicator of both the poor and people that lacked common fashion sense, such as nerds or dads.  Many unfortunates were born into this living denim hell.  It wasn't their fault.

  There are several different species of jorts, ranging from totally unacceptable to mildly ridiculous.  I'm going to do you a favor and break them all down.  Listen up, or you too could fall into their evil trap.


1.  The Dad Jort


  I have to admit, these are pretty awesome.  Dad's get a pass because they don't know shit about fashion and they don't give a fuck.  This guy is seconds away from cleaning a gutter or throwing something on a grill.  When's the last time he got a blow job?  Poor guy.  This guy's never missed one of his kid's soccer games and he still feels bad about beating off.  Which he wouldn't have to do if his goddamn wife put a little effort in.


2.  The Euro Jort


  

  Overseas jorts come from a completely different family.  European jorts are indigenous to regions where groping is acceptable, everyone smokes cigarettes, and nobody works.  Euro jorts are always accompanied by these shoes (Pictured Below)

  Europeans, primarily from Germany, Spain, and Italy, have this style on lockdown.  Have you every seen them with a different kind of shoe?  These were cool in America for approximately one week before we realized they were too Euro.


3. The Wigger Jort



  This species of jort originated in and around north Florida .  They're frequently spotted around trailer parks and McDonald's parking lots, warming/cooling the legs of dirty white peckerwoods.  They're similar to the euro jort with one crucial hereditary difference; The wigger jort is almost always stitched with a Looney Toon character such as Bugs Bunny, Marvin the Martian, or (the most common Looney Toon Jort) the Taz Jort. 


4.  The Hipster Jort




  This guy's closet is an array of flannels and jorts (the hipster uniform).  Imagine him asking his roommate, "Hey dude, you see my flannel around? The red one with the black. Ya. No. Not that one"  or  "Hmmmmm which flannel today?  I'm gonna go with this one.  This one will definitely get me laid.  What should I wear with this? Dadadaddaada.  I know, I'll wear these jorts.  They go with anything.  Now I'll just get my cute lace up Vans and my 'I'm totally over this' look on my face and I'm ready for Bedford Ave."


5.  The Stockton


 

You're only allowed to wear shorts this short if you're the all-time assists leader and a master of the pick and roll.  If I can see your mushroom tip your shorts are too short.  I believe just above the knee is a reasonable cut off for men, but I don't want to confuse these shorts with a gay man's hot pants.  Short shorts on a gay man are absolutely acceptable, and, in fact, encouraged.  Same goes for women.  Sorry straight dudes, you've got high-fives, football, and spitting.  You can't have short shorts too.


     

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