monday nights...."Heroes vs Housewives: Survivor Island". tonight's episode, the castaways go head to head in a battle of wills. each team must each a variety of disgusting animal organs, bugs and other things. in a dramatic plot twist, sylar from team heroes cuts open bree's skull and eats her brain. the housewives admit defeat.
tuesday nights..."wife swap: the richie family&the duggar family". on tonight's episode, nicole richie meets the duggars, and is promptly force fed a casserole until she gains 10 lbs. at the richie house, mega-mom michelle duggar sells all of harlow's designer clothes and sews her some lovely dresses out of pillowcases. at the reunion, it's a smackdown as michelle duggar pins richie to the ground screaming, "repent, ye sinner! repent!"
wednesday nights..."big brother: arch rivals". in the premiere episode we meet the cast. the housemates soon discover that they will be sharing their time with people they despise. the cast includes, rosie o'donnell, donald trump, hulk&linda hogan, angelina jolie, jennifer aniston, lily allen, amy winehouse, beyonce knowles, etta james, courtney love and madonna. things get dicey when etta james attempts to rip the weave right off beyonce's head. unfortunately for ms james, beyonce turns the tables as she's able to put the choke on etta with her massive thighs.
thursday nights..."two and a half men". i know what you're saying, there's already a very successful show by that name. but this time it's been re-cast. hollywood she-males, chynna & camryn manheim play sisters, with samantha ronson playing camryn's teenage son. on tonight's episode little sam tries to sneak into a club using a fake I.D. luckily for him, uncle chynna swoops in to save the day as he gives the bouncer at the club an atomic wedgie, before tossing him into the crowd.
friday nights..."america's lamest home videos". this long-running family favorite is back, and worse than ever! now instead of cute babies, silly puppies and the occasional prank gone wrong, it's chock-full of all the videos that you can't stand! that's right! we've got clip after clip of grandma's knickers falling down, grandpa taking out his teeth to the horror of the grandkids, dad's getting whacked in the nuts by rambunctious toddlers and the all-time favorite "cursing kiddies"! on tonight's show, little billy goes off on christian bale. this little tyke makes BALE blush!
saturday nights..."cops: fairbanks, alaska". the fine officers of fairbanks are featured in this chilly season of "cops". even the fearless camera crew is put off the below-freezing temps and most of the season is shot through the window of police cruisers as the cameramen refuse to leave the comfy confines of the warm vehicles. on tonight's episode, police come to the rescue of a man who was dared by other drunks at the local bar to stick his tongue to the metal street sign outside the bar. before dousing the man with warm water to free him, the cops take turns having their pictures taken with the complete moron.
sunday nights..."the real housewives of southside chicago". in another installment of the ever-popular "real housewives" series, the tough & trashy broads of the southside show what life is REALLY like for a chicago housewife. tonight joanne ksyzinski spends an entire day making paczki (pronounced "puhnch-key") from kasmir pulaski day. but when she arrives at st. stanislaus church, she discovers that her neighbor, aleksandra grzegowrz has brought hers first. hair pulling, punching and kicking ensue. police from the englewood district station show up and chalk it up to "just another day" at st. stansilaus'. while at st stanislaus they receive a call concerning a brawl over chitlins from "moo & oink" and have to leave.