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To the nice gentleman at the Apple Genius Bar who saw my pornography:

I visited your Grand Central location around 2:00 p.m. yesterday and would like to formally and publicly apologize for the two pieces of pornography clearly displayed on my otherwise sparse desktop. While any other person with a hint of social graces would take the half-second needed to hide their adult videos, I left mine splayed out naked as the ladies it featured. Please know that had I been thinking, I definitely would have done something about this. Thrown it in the Recycle Bin and Secure Emptied Trash. I honestly just forget it was there. I’m more of a porn streamer than a downloader and, TBH, find the latter a little archaic.

I was in yesterday to do a data transfer between my sinful old computer that’s seen many a pop-up and my pure, untainted new one that hasn’t even visited Google yet. Though I’m sure you remember me less as “data transfer guy” and more as “into girl-on-girl shit” guy. As all my friends at work said when comforting me later, I’m sure you see customers’ loose pornography all the time. And, all things considered, my tastes in adult videos are pretty vanilla. I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole before and seen some stuff I am NOT into. But even though what you saw doesn’t represent the worst the internet has to offer, it still doesn’t excuse my lack of manners. Sure, everyone watches porn, but that doesn’t mean we leave our stroke books on the coffee table like savages when having guests over. Just like I would hastily vacuum the apartment before having you over in real life, I could have and should have done a quick pass of my virtual home, as well.

I’d also like to apologize for the way I handled it when we both saw the porn. I could have made a joke to ease the tension like, “Ugh, mom’s been using my computer again…” But instead we both silently watched me drag “Tiffany.vs.Sandi.mkv” into the nearest folder, which was marked “Onassis,” the name of my sketch team. We BOTH knew this video was not a sketch for my sketch team. If it were, my team would be like, “What’s the unusual thing here? Definitely not two women having sex because it’s 2015 and love is love.” Yes, you could argue the fact that they were doing it outside the bedroom was an unusual thing, but even then my team would be like, “Well, clearly this idea has already been filmed. This isn’t a script, it’s a video.” So flimsy logic at best. No, I put it in my “Onassis” folder cause it was the nearest to my shame and I was embarrassed. (Actually, now that I’m thinking about it the only real “unusual” thing about this video was that it was called Tiffany VERSUS Sandi because, if you watch it, these two are clearly working together as a team.)

And then there was the second film. A college-based piece called "Dare Dorm” starring several attractive co-eds. Now, I don’t know which university Dare Dorm is located in but, if you ever go back to school and are offered housing there, I HIGHLY recommend it. These kids looks like they’re always having a really good time. I saw the file. YOU saw the file. Then you MADE EYE CONTACT as if to say, “Knowing what you jerk to is a level of intimacy not necessary for the type of relationship we have.” I don’t even know your last name and you know what I cum to. You hold all the power. I, apparently, just hold my dick. And, again, that’s not what I’m embarrassed about. You look like you masturbate ALL THE TIME. I’m just embarrassed that it became this huge elephant in the room while I gave you my Apple Care ID.

If my mother reads this article I will die. And it won’t be a quick death. It’ll come after a fool’s errand of trying cover my tracks where I’m like, “It’s satire” and she’s like, “Of what?” and I’m like, “…consumerism?” and she’s like, “Explain” and I’m like, “I can’t.” THEN death will come and it’ll be as welcome as a cool breeze.

So again, please accept my sincere and heartfelt apologies. I’m already dreading coming back tomorrow to pick up my things. I’m desperately trying to avoid you but you were working in the afternoon and now I’m like, “Well, was it a morning shift that was almost over? Or a night shift that was just starting?” I have a 50/50 chance of guessing right but we both know I’m not having very great luck right now. So I guess if I see you, I’ll just own it? Act like I don’t care? Sure, I use my computer to masturbate. It doesn’t take a genius to see that. But, unfortunately, yesterday, one did.

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