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September 05, 2011

The saga of Cap’n Crunch has the potential to completely shatter our illusion of the world and what we can trust.

  September 5, 2011


The saga of Cap’n Crunch has the potential to completely shatter our illusion of the world and what we can trust. Interpol has revealed that Tony the Tiger has been captured in Spain, using his new alias – El Tigre. Officials questioning Tony were curious how such a criminal mastermind could make such a simple mistake, and began pursuing the line of thought that Tony wanted to get caught. Tony eventually unraveled and cut a deal to cooperate in exchange for placement in the witness protection program. In a twist right out of Hollywood and then some, Tony revealed a plot that sent shivers down the spines of those who believe in the greater good.


His most trusted ally Conan O'Brien mysteriously disappeared after the Trail Mix Day Massacre, and Tony fled the country fearing for his own life. Said Tony, “I always knew Conan was an all around nogoodnik, but he was my nogoodnik, y’know? After our last mission I just had this feeling I couldn’t trust him anymore.” This turned out to be prophetic, as it was none other than Conan who tipped off Interpol as to Tony’s whereabouts.


Tony shared that he realized his life has not been as great as he has always stated, and when he recently fell on hard times he found himself the recipient of an offer he couldn’t refuse. As his story unfolded, it sounded highly dubious, yet every aspect he mentioned checked out. It turns out Tony was merely a pawn in a game of mystery and intrigue that goes to the very top.


A mysterious man, who represented some parties interested in the world of cereal, had approached Tony. Tony was told he could eliminate his competition and bring balance to the cereal galaxy. Tony accepted and began his other life as a cereal killer. By taking out other cereal mascots, it would create a vacuum Tony could use to consolidate power and put an end to puffed cereals once and for all. Everything was going along swimmingly, until he green lighted the Cap’n caper. This last act led to his capture and brought about his downfall.


In custody, alone and with no other options, Tony knew he had to name names. Tony initially offered up Keyser Söze, but he was immediately ruled out due to his well-known aversion to cereal mascots. Tony knew he would eventually be on the chopping block, once his services were no longer needed. Then, his tale began to answer the question of who could come up with such a devious plan. Once the pieces started falling into place it became clear Tony was a part of an even bigger scheme to crush the stranglehold of the cereal kingpins. After breaking into secret government databases, officials found numerous communiqués originating from a certain Pennsylvania Avenue address. These emails were in regards to the nation’s breakfast cereals and how to break their tyrannical methods of advertising. After hours of intense interrogation and torture, a broken Tony finally had implicated the Grandmaster behind this nefarious scheme – First Lady Michelle “Boom Boom” Obama. An international warrant was put into effect to bring her before the International Court of Justice in The Hague, Netherlands.


Meanwhile, Seal Team 6 was sent on a secret mission to rescue the Cap’n. Tony was allowed to communicate the safe-word to the pirates while the Seals were en route. Upon delivering the codeword ‘Hardhat,’ the pirates released Cappy in a dinghy with a gallon of water and a box of his cereal. Cappy lamented the loss of his ship, but once his rescuers showed up, his mood brightened considerably. Cappy is reported to be in good health and his spirits are high as he begins his journey home.


As of this writing, Tony was last seen getting into an unmarked panel van to begin his new life. Conan is currently hiding in broad daylight, knowing that Americans love them some celebrities. First Lady Michelle “Boom Boom” Obama claimed she was acting in the best interests of the country and told the International Court to, “Bring it on,” knowing that they were helpless to bring her to justice. Cappy has been reunited with his long time girlfriend Smurfette (Apparently the saying is true that once you go blue…) and is taking her on an around the world cruise. And life continues to unfold…