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March 09, 2015

The San Francisco 49ers are in trouble. With Patrick Willis retiring, Mike Iupati leaving for the Arizona Cardinals, Justin smith retiring, Bruce Miller being a filthy spousal battery arrestee, and Colin Kaepernick thinking about leaving, something needs to be done, and quick, by Jed York (CEO of the Niners). Can Fred Flintstone help? How about Barney Rubble? Maybe Shane Falco (Keanu Reeve's best performing athlete), Jarryd Hayne or the magical David Blaine can help!

1) Niner Leaving: Patrick Willis


Patrick Willis: Chronic pain in left foot big toe.

He’s got some of the best trap muscles in the league, hands down, but it’s his big toe on his left foot that’s causing him chronic pain and making him contemplate retirement at the ripe age of 30. Who on Earth can the Niners get to replace him?!

Niner Replacement for Patrick Willis: Fred Flintstone and/or Barney Rubble


Fred Flintstone and/or Barney Rubble: Strong big toes.

These two have been pushing their prehistoric car for YEARS with their toes and not even once have they complained about it. Fred and Barney started their careers as bellhops (standing every day, running up and down flights of stairs, and being at the beck and call of important hotel guests.) Talk about toe pain! Later in his career, Fred became a blue-collar worker as a bronto crane operator while Barney became a geological engineer. Think they ever complained about their toes after their multimile commutes to and from work each day? Nope. And they weren’t even enjoying the luxury of a multimillion-dollar deal! As if those jobs weren’t physically taxing enough, Fred and Barney decided to continue to push their limits by joining the Bedrock Police Force as police officers. Again, never complaining about their big left toes.

2) Niner Leaving: Bruce Miller


Bruce Miller: Arrested for suspected spousal battery.

He’s not necessarily leaving and is still innocent until proven guilty, but until then, fuck this guy.

Niner Replacement for Bruce Miller: No Good Piece of Shit


No Good Piece of Shit: Good for nothing.

Enough said.

3) Niner Leaving: Mike Iupati


Mike Iupati: Deceivingly nice smile.

I’m very competitive. That’s my nature. When it comes to football, I like to destroy a lot of people.

— Mike Iupati

Mr. Mike Iupati is leaving to fly with the Arizona Cardinals. To be honest, after learning of his desire to destroy a lot of people and the Niners’ recent run-ins with the law, we’re OK with this one.

Niner Replacement for Mike Iupati: Random Rugby Player Jarryd Hayne


Jarryd Hayne: Rugby player, we’ve been told.

This is a no-brainer. The Niners have already signed this guy. Does he even play the same position as Iupati? “That’s merely a formality. This guy’s joining us from the rugby world, where he was king. We can replace any great NFL player with him and he’ll do so great!” —Jed York, 49ers CEO.

4) Niner Leaving: Justin Smith

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Justin Smith: Beer connoisseur. Lover of America.
via & via

We’re going to miss this guy. Most fascinatingly of all he has >25" biceps, and yet with all that prime-time real estate, he’s chosen to highlight it by simply adding an Anheuser-Busch tattoo. And for that, we thank you for all that you’ve been for us, Mr. Smith.

Niner Replacement for Justin Smith: Anyone from the Google Images Search Below

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Anyone willing to ink their body with a tattoo of a beer with 4% abv or less has the perfect amount of what the Niners lose with Justin Smith retiring: excessive size, the right priorities in life, and that little bit of mental unstableness.

5) Niner Leaving: Frank Gore


Frank Gore: Magician-like moves.

How can we ever replace the great Frank Gore as he leaves for the The Monies? Sorry, The Colts. We mean The Colts. It’s tough to think of the Niners without Frank Gore. How can we ever forget that time that he magically appeared out of his own butt?!

Niner Replacement for Frank Gore: David Blaine


David Blaine: Fantastic magician.

For years, David Blaine has been wowing us with his almost impossible magic tricks, not too unlike Mr. Gore. We’re still unsure if he can make himself appear from his own butt, but we have a feeling it’s not only something he can do, but has done, and wants to take to the next level before sharing with the rest of the world.

6) Niner Leaving (potentially): Colin Kaepernick


Colin Kaepernick: Mmmm

If Kaep leaves us, we’re going to be so bummed. We’re just grateful we have these pics from Sports Illustrated‘s Body Issue to forever remind us of Kaepernick in his prime with the San Francisco 49ers.

Niner Replacement for Colin Kaepernick: Shane Falco


Shane Falco: All-American

The former star quarterback of Ohio State University, Shane Falco. Sure, he’s been spending the majority of his time cleaning the bottom of peoples’ boats recently, but this guy’s got promise.