Full Credits

Stats & Data

10Funny
1Die
321
Views
January 28, 2015
Published
Description

Weapons of Mass Pontification are the newest weapon in the War on Terror.

U.S. Government to Drop Tons of Reports on Terrorists in New Phase of War on Terror

The U.S. Government today revealed plans to unleash a new weapon in the fight against Islamic extremism: Dropping tons of paper made up of government reports about how to fight Islamic extremism.

“It’s the newest generation of Smart Bomb,” said an administration official, who asked to remain anonymous because he enjoys the aura of mystique.

With such titles as, “The New Paradigm of Extremist Thinking in the Post-Post-9/11 Era” and “A Survey of Non-State Actors in Regional Radicalization of Oppressed Urban Populations in the Sahel,” these may be the smartest bombs the world has ever seen.

“We have more than a decade’s worth of reports just sitting around,” said the administration official. “We’re thrilled to finally put them to some use by dropping them on people.”

Like a modern day Manhattan Project, Washington’s development of this new weapons system took years. While a nuclear weapon needs only a small amount of fissile material, these Weapons of Mass Pontification require literally tons of words. Smart people in Washington have been producing incredibly heavy reports for years to be able to reach critical mass.

Simultaneously, Washington was running a massive disinformation campaign aimed at making Americans think the government has a handle on the War on Terror because it has studied the problem in so much depth.

“Every now and then we put a report out there just to make people think we had a plan,” said the government official. “But really, we were just churning out tons of paper to drop on the bad guys.”

stacks of paper2.jpg

Weapons of Mass Pontification, ready to unleash a crushing wave of verbiage on the enemy.

Like so many weapons systems before it, these Smart Bombs have suffered from cost overruns, as multi-colored charts and graphs ran up printing expenses. And changes in technology, most notably the push to go paperless, nearly sunk the program years ago. But thanks to strong lobbying by a diverse range of groups with important irrelevant thoughts on Islamic extremism—lobbying which in turn created more reports—the program was saved.

Upon hearing news of the weapons, terrorists fled the battlefield in fear. “The infidel is a prolific foe,” said one terrorist, clutching his Kalashnikov and machete close to him. “They are also very particular about sourcing. Their footnotes alone are a frightening sight. Peace and glory be upon the mujahedeen who shall be martyred under the weight of such reams of paper.”

Washington has also been perfecting a separate weapons system: The Meeting, holding thousands of them in an effort to win the War on Terror. From the Inter-Agency Meeting, to the Deputies Meeting, to the Principals Meeting, Washington is releasing a torrent of putting people together in a room with donuts to discuss the problem.

Unfortunately, the Meeting is not without its friendly fire casualties. “Last week, we lost a Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Undersecretary for Syria’s Not Quite Moderate Rebel Factions in a death by Power Point,” the administration official said. “Sometimes, we just don’t recognize our own strength.”

Advertisement
Advertisement