Now I know what you’re thinking: A teacher that says “yo”?! A teacher that says “dudes”?! Well believe it, brohams! It’s me — THE COOL SUBSTITUTE!
Right now you’re like, “Whoa! Mr. Mitchell seems pretty cool!” You’re half right. YES, I’m pretty cool but my name’s NOT Mr. Mitchell. It’s Jason. Cause I’m just one of you guys!! I mean look how I’m sitting in my chair right now! It’s totally backwards! And my hair! It’s like the hair from some cool horse! Brace yourselves ’cause we will not be having a normal teacher-student relationship. It creates a caste system and we’re all equals here.
Before we get started, I just wanted to take a minute to quickly remind you that there are NO RULES in my class. But you probably already guessed that since I’m wearing jeans. Yeah, that’s right. Do your other teachers wear jeans?! Didn’t think so. You’re like, “HOW DID WE GET SO LUCKY THAT OUR REGULAR TEACHER, MRS. WHALEN, GOT MONO?!” And I don’t know, guys! All I know is that if any of you need to use the bathroom, you can just get up and go. No need to ask permission or get a pass or anything. Let the other teachers worry about that. I’ll be too busy ignoring the syllabus and sharing all the life advice I’ve gathered over time. I’m 27 now, which is older but not like too much older. Sure, we’ll study the words of Shakespeare but we’ll also study the words of … Dave Matthews?! Musicians are poets, too, guys.
Let’s get down to brass tacks. If I’m substituting on a test day — rip that fuckin’ test in half. (Wait, did Jason just say “fuck”?! FUCK YEAH HE DID.) I want you to tell me the grade you DESERVE. I can’t promise your regular teacher, Mrs. Whalen, will allow you to keep that grade when she returns but that’s a me problem not a you problem. And maybe if we’re lucky that mono will get worse, she’ll die, and I can stay forever! All YOU need to worry about is how you’re gonna spread the word about what a great, cool teacher I am. (I suggest Facebook, which you’re all totally allowed to add me on.)
“WHY IS HE SO COOL?!” you’re frantically texting all your friends right now. Well the short answer is high school was terrible for me and I’m doing anything I can do relive those years as someone with some social standing. I desperately, desperately want to be liked. I was a measly little worm who girls didn’t pay attention to and I always smelled of cum ’cause I always just finished jerking off. The long answer is that same exact thing but with the added information of I’m a very lonely adult.
For these reasons, I’ll be probably be a little flirty with the more popular, attractive students. I never got away with this when I was in high school so please just indulge me. Nothing too weird — mostly light shoulder massage-y stuff. Maybe some neck kissing. (Again, you’re allowed to rip up your tests and choose your own grades so putting up with this sort of behavior is the least you can do.)
Right now you’re probably wondering if I’ll also be showing up to your high school parties. The answer is, yes, frequently. I’m only nine years older so it’s not weird or anything. I’ll even buy for you guys and drive some of you prettier ladies home. Do you know another teacher who’d be willing to do something like that?! Didn’t think so! (Heads up, I’ll be bringing a few of my buddies to these, too.)
Umm … so yeah. That’s what you guys have to look forward to this fall. Let’s agree to make this the best year ever and, if any of you guys are narcs, please come forward now.
The Cool Substitute Teacher