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November 15, 2012

Want to go see the 5th Twilight movie but don't know what happened in the first four?! Well, allow me to bring you up to speed.

SO, here's everything that has happened in The Twilight Saga, "written" by "author" Stephanie Meyer.

Bella is an awkward teenager who has SUPER tasty-smelling blood. She goes to high school in Forks, Washington, a place that is never sunny, total bummer! She lives with her dad, who is a mustache, and they don't really get along. She calls him Charlie, which is a weird name for a mustache! 

One day Bella meets Edward, who is a vampire. Edward lives with a bunch of other vampires who just pretend to be his brothers and sisters, and they all go to high school because sure. Their dad is a big time fancy vampire doctor, but to humans. 

Bella and Edward start dating, and everything is going great until one day there is a thunderstorm and Edward and his family (the Cullens) decide to go play baseball because sure. So Bella goes to watch the vampires play baseball and it is SUCH a crazy baseball game because the vampires are super fast and strong. Everyone is having so much fun until three evil vampires show up and want to play baseball, but then they're like "wait! you have a human here? Humans suck at baseball!" and the Cullens are like "RUN!" 

The evil vampires now want to kill Bella, because she knows all the secret baseball plays, so the Cullens whisk her away to safety but OOPS, Cam Gigabyte (that's his name, right? This guy?) 

Oh, it appears his name is James. Anyway, James lures Bella into a trap and is about to kill her when YIKES POLICE Edward and the Cullens show up and save her. And then they also rip James Gigabyte into a million pieces and set him on fire because vampires.

Bella wakes up in the hospital and her mom explains that they know everything - she fell down a flight of stairs like THE DUMB CLUMSY IDIOT THAT SHE IS YOU DUMB CLUMSY IDIOT - and that's why her leg is broken and she's covered in 10,000 cuts. Great!

BUT James' girlfriend is super mad about her boyfriend being ripped into a million pieces and then set on fire, and she is going to get revenge!!!!!!!!! END OF FIRST MOVIE.

In the second movie, New Moon, Bella turns 18 so the Cullens throw her a party!! Except she cuts her finger trying to open a present (CLUMSY BITCH!) and Jasper Cullen goes ca-ra-zy and tries to kill her. And I thought MY family was nuts! 

Edward realizes his family is dangerous and could kill Bella so he's like "bye." Bella gets insanely depressed, one could actually even argue she gets TOO depressed, because Edward has left her. She starts hanging out with her old pal, this guy: 

only to find out that HE IS A WEREWOLF. Apparently all Native Americans are werewolves. Or maybe it is that all werewolves are Native Americans. I'm not sure, but it feels racist. Anyway, the werewolves HATE vampires, DUH, and they patrol Forks, searching for James Gigabyte's evil girlfriend who has vowed to kill Bella because of the baseball game. 

Bella finds out that doing dangerous things like intentionally crashing a dirtbike or thinking about jumping off cliffs causes Edward to send a ghost-proxy of himself to tell her to staaaaaaap, seriously, staaaaaap. Don't do thaaaaaat. So she starts trying to kill herself so that Edward will come back to her.

There's a big mix-em-up where Edward thinks Bella HAS killed herself, and he calls Bella's house to ask Mustache if Bella is still alive, but JACOB answers and doesn't NOT tell Edward that Bella isn't dead, so Edward is like "Now I must kill myself."

So Edward goes to Italy to expose himself to humans (keep it in your H&M pants, Robert Pattinson) so that the Volturi, an evil vampire clan who live in the Vattican? I think? Or somewhere? In Italy?, will kill him. Bella and this Vampire Elf

get to Italy and stop Edward JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME. But then they are summoned to meet wtih the Volturi, and one of them is Dakota Fanning. Dakota Fanning is like "kill her!" because Bella knows all the vampire secrets, INCLUDING their baseball plays and they totally need to beat the Werewolves in the playoffs this year or their whole franchise is going to be moved out of Cleveland (you guys like Major League jokes, right? Those are topical?) But then Vampire Elf is like "wait! don't! We're totally going to make Bella a vampire!" and the Volturi are like "cool." So everyone goes home. 

Back in Forks, Bella is like "hey, can I be a vampire? I used to play short stop in Little League so I think I would make a great vampire." and Edward is like "NO!" but everyone else is cool with it, so Edward has to cede to the vote and tells Bella he will turn her into a vampire if she marries him. GAZEEP! END OF SECOND MOVIE.

In the third movie, James Gigabyte's girlfriend, Bryce Dallas Howard, is turning people into vampires in Seattle, which leads to a very high-brow fight between Vampire Frasier Crane and Bella just kidding but I wish I weren't! 

Everyone is supes scared the newborn army is going to kill Bella, so the werewolves and Cullens team up to protect her. Jacob tells Bella he's in love with her and kisses her and she's like BARF. 

To hide Bella from Dr. Vampire Crane's vampire army, led by General Kurt CoVEEEEIIINNSSS, Edward and Jacob take Bella into the mountains for the best camping trip ever. That is where Jacob finds out that Bella and Edward are engaged, and he gets really mad because HE wants to be engaged! He storms off to go fight Vampire Niles Crane for the last piece of the finest goose pate you've ever SEEN, but Bella begs him to stay and tells him to kiss her. BAZINGA.

But then Bella tells Edward that it was like so gross and she loves him and Edward's just like "cool." 

The Volturi show up to fight and the Seattle vampires lose. Dakota Fanning is like "Bella, nice to see you again. You're still human, huh? WEIRD." But Bella is like "don't worry, I'll be a vampire soon enough." And Dakota Fanning just goes "hmmmmm" and leaves. END OF THIRD MOVIE.

The fourth movie is WEDDING. Everyone is very WEDDING excited except for WEDDING Jacob who is kind of WEDDING jealous. Jacob also gets very WEDDING upset when he finds out that Bella is going to have POST WEDDING sex with Edward. "WHAT? Married couples do it? GROSS YOU GUYS" said Taylor Lautner, who is definitely straight. 

After the WEDDING, Bella and Edward honeymoon in cool Brazil, where they bone all the time. At first they are not going to bone, they are just going to play chess, but Bella is like "SCREW CHESS, and also me, please." so then they bone. Edward bones so hard he breaks the bed in half and bites through pillows. 

Bella then gets PREGNANT. Which means vampires do not have blood or heartbeats or anything but they DO make semen. Cool. Okay. I'm getting the hang of this I think. So Bella is pregnant and they go back to Forks and Jacob finds out and is like "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS DID IT?! I THOUGHT WE ESTABLISHED YOU WOULDN'T!" 

The half-vampire baby inside Bella wants blood, so Bella starts drinking blood smoothies. Jacob's wolfpack decide they have to kill the baby because WEREWOLVES. HATE. VAMPIRES. and Jacob is like "RUH-ROH!"

Bella goes into labor and her back breaks. Then the vampire baby starts to eat her from the inside out so Jacob has to eat the baby out of her. Never have kids. So anyway, the baby is delivered but Bella dies. Even though Edward tried so hard to turn her into a vampire while a werewolf was eating a hellbeast out of her stomach!

Meanwhile, the wolfpack is outside the Cullens' house, ready to kill, and Jacob busts in to check on Bella, but instead sees Renesmee, Bella's seconds-old newborn daughter, and he "imprints" on the baby, which basically means he falls in love with her. The her in that sentence being a seconds-old newborn baby. But, in Jacob's defense, the baby has the PRETTIEST eyes.

So Jacob runs downstairs where Edward and the Cullens are about to totally rip the wolves to shreds because VAMPIRES. HATE. WEREWOLVES. GRAAAAAAR!!!! and explains that the wolves have to back off because he just imprinted all over the baby upstairs and does anyone have a towel? (I'm not being gross here. Stephanie Meyer is being gross here.)

The wolves can't harm anything that another wolf has imprinted on, so they leave. 

But Bella is still dead upstairs!!!!!!!!!  EXCEPT SHE OPENS HER EYES BECAUSE SHE IS A VAMPIRE. End of fourth film.