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Stats & Data

September 10, 2010

a weekly rundown of what is going on in the world and how the Illuminati is ultimately responsible.

AZ Gov. Jan Brewer loses her train of thought in the middle of her opening statement and later fails to answer questions about her patently false statements regarding beheaded bodies she claimed were found in the Arizona desert. Medical experts believe these to be symptoms of a massive brain hemorrhage and simultaneous stroke.

Florida pastor Terry Jones stands by his plans to celebrate “Burn a Koran Day” this upcoming September 11 despite logic, reason and common sense.

Paris Hilton is in hot water again as she is charged with cocaine possession. She claimed that the purse, which contained her credit cards, wallet and prescription drugs, was not hers and therefore the cocaine inside that same purse was equally not hers. Legal experts are not exactly optimistic.

Earlier this week a poll revealed that former high school student Levi Johnston has a 6% approval rating among likely Alaska voters which comes as a bad omen for Johnston’s campaign for Wasilla mayor. I don’t think we really even need a punch line.

CBS has announced that as a way of capitalizing on all the attention that the Chilean mine collapse has received in recent months they are in the planning stages of the next season of the Survivor franchise which will be the first to feature a subterranean mine as it’s locale. Rod Blagojevich is in talks to be a contestant although many fear that he might choose to remain underground to avoid his retrial for 23 corruption-related charges.

CNN Anchor, determined dullard and former murderer Rick Sanchez has released a 272 page book entitled “Conventional Idiocy.” It contains some 300 pictures and although some consider it to be an attempt at either a autobiography or a self-promoting diatribe, some advocacy groups for the mentally handicapped have called it an insensitive attempt at satire.

This week, President Obama announced a new stimulus package that would focus on improving American roads, rails, and air transpotation. When asked about this stimulus package, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said it was not being labled a “stimulus” package. So, the plan to stimulate our economy is not being called a stimulus package? Really? In other news, ice cream will now be called molten lava, grass will now be blue, and Snooki will now be called Mother Theresa.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee is considering revoking Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize in the wake of allegations that he may have campaign donations from persons who were mistakenly under the impression that he would not advocate peace during his presidency. Reggie Bush has come out in solidarity with the President, calling the Committee “Indian Givers” and claiming that they can’t take away all the foreign policy wins that Obama earned in the past year.