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August 21, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

ollowing controversial statements about rape victims, Rep. Todd Akin is being pressured to withdraw from the race to become Missouri's senator. And if he didn't want to be pressured to withdraw from the race, why is he wearing such a short skirt?

Regardless, just Monday morning, Akin said he would continue running, explaining, "I don’t know that I’m the only person in public office who’s suffered from foot-in-mouth disease." Then going on to say, "Speaking of disease, let's talk about how crying causes AIDS."

Actress and comedian Phyllis Diller died on Monday at the age of 95. Interestingly, had she been a male comedian, she could've died at age 63 and been just as successful.

For the first time in 80 years, the Augusta National Golf Club has invited women to become members, including Condoleezza Rice. Said the club, "We would like to finally acknowledge that women can dress just as absurdly as men."

Rumors suggest singer Nicki Minaj will be a judge on "American Idol." Which will be awkward considering her butt is a judge on "X Factor."

Researchers say they've discovered a chemical that makes a man's testicles not produce sperm. Or you can do things the old-fashioned way and listen to Kim Kardashian's voice.

Researchers also say the chemical can cause cancerous cells to "forget" how to be tumors. Bad news for cancer, as it already has trouble remembering its ATM pin number.

Nevada Secretary of State Ross Miller participated in an amateur mixed martial arts fight and won. So a big congratulations to now-Governor of Nevada Ross Miller.

In Oklahoma, a high school valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA is being denied her diploma because she said "hell" in her graduation speech. "We didn't mind," said all five members of her graduating class.

Hank Williams Jr. supposedly told an audience at one of his shows, “We’ve got a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the US, and we hate him!” But hey, one out of four isn't bad.

As part of a promotional stunt, an F1 race car driver drove through the Lincoln Tunnel in 30 seconds. He didn't have to drive that fast, he just wanted to get out of Jersey.