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August 05, 2013

The beloved host of 'Tales From the Crypt' is also a tech junkie.

CryptKeeperwithphonesmall.jpgGreetings, boils and ghouls! It's your old fiend, the Cryptkeeper, here with a review of Motorola's new Moto HEX fart-groan!  Eeee-he-he-he-he-he!
Well, my little tech flunkies, for better or hearse, it seems that the DiePhone 5 may have found its polar slopposite in the new Bloat-o gag-refleX!  Instead of focusing on the latest mess-ifications, Scrote-orola is offering pus-tomers a solid set of hardware features…er, creatures. They also forgo a proprietary operating cyst-em in favor of an open bat-form available to - I'm sorry but I can't do this.
When Funny or Die asked me to write an article for their website I thought "finally, my chance to show the world that I'm more than just the cheesy, cackling pun machine they remember from the old TV show." So, being a tech junkie (what, does that shock you?), I proposed writing a column in which I'd review the latest smartphone to hit the market. They loved the idea at first, but when I turned in my first draft, they said I'd have to "Cryptkeeper it up" significantly if I expected them to publish it. 
"Say things how the Cryptkeeper would say them!" they insisted. "You know, like instead of calling it a smartphone, call it a 'fart-groan' or something" they'd say, giggling and grab-assing each other in celebration of their own sophomoric wordplay. I was beyond insulted, but having not had any film or TV work in several years, I badly needed the $75 bucks and reluctantly obliged.  
The pressure to live up to Funny or Die's two-dimensional perception of Cryptkeepers was overwhelming, and It soon occurred to me that  they'd never really been interested in my knowledge of tech trends and hot gadgets. It was as if they'd thought "Let's just take a random early 90s reference, slap it together with a current news story, then sit back and watch the clicks roll in!" Is this what passes for "humor" nowadays? Flimsy 90s references? Fart groans? If so, I'm glad that I'm dead. 
So, to the writers at Funny or Die, I say this: I am not your puppet. I am my own puppet and I will no longer be made a fool of. Grow up and go review your own damn smartphone*. 
*[Editor's note: fart-groan]