Full Credits

Stats & Data

November 20, 2013



Bill Clinton

Fuck: Save your “fuck” for someone else. He’s the easiest lay in the world and you don’t need a fantastical game of make-em-ups for it to happen. People in this country fall into three categories: those who have slept with Bill, those who haven’t slept with him yet, and those who are currently putting their pants back on while being told to “spread the word about Big Willie–style.”

Marry: Just know that Bill will insist on writing his own vows, and good luck following a speech by Slick Willie himself. Remember when he upstaged Obama at the DNC? He'll blow you out of the water with his soaring yet plain-spoken rhetoric. Then, as you're bombing up there, he'll be checking out the action in the front row.

Kill: Don’t you dare hurt our Bill. He’s the United States’ Wild Thing. That’s a reference to Major League 1 and 2, fine pieces of American cinema that Bill probably LOVES and quotes at dinner parties because he’s a goofball.


Hillary Clinton
Fuck: Yes. Oh god, yes. But be warned: She’s got one move, it’s called the pile driver, and it don’t quit.
Marry: She would make a damn good wife. The only hitch we can see is her not wanting to marry you. Don’t take it personally; she’s been scorned before. We just have the feeling any proposal will be met by her going, “Sure” and then making the jerk-off motion.
Kill: Go ahead. Give it your best. She'll just end up seducing you. That’s how it works with anyone in this family, actually. You go over to their home for an intellectual give-and-take on foreign policy and you end up having a three-way with both Hillary and Bill. Raw, of course, as they each call you a pussy for trying to use protection.
Chelsea Clinton
Fuck: Come on, she’s like 13. GOOD LUCKWITH THOSE BRACES, BRO. Hm? What’s that? She’s an adult now? With a burgeoning career in broadcast journalism. Sure. Okay, guy.
Marry: What country do you live in where it’s okay to marry a child? This isn’t Canada where it’s cool to marry kids. SHE’S GOT FRIGGIN’ BRACES, BRO. Wait, she’s in her 30s? And no braces? Lies. That’s the kind of malarkey we’d expect to hear in Canada, which, last I checked, we are not in.
Kill: You think you can destroy the spawn of Bill and Hillary Clinton? Best of luck to you. She’s got the blood of two bloodthirsty sex fighters and the straightest teeth in America.