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April 28, 2012

Watch me delve further into the depths of insanity as I analyze @JoseCanseco's Twitter feed.

Jose Canseco’s Twitter Feed: An Analysis

Upon hearing the name Jose Canseco, older generations will conjure up memories of the Bash Brothers, the Oakland A’s and an impressive 40 homerun/40 stolen bases season. A slightly younger generation would conjure up memories of steroid scandals and the literary masterpiece Juiced. If you asked a member of this current generation who Jose Canseco is they would likely say “Isn’t he that fucking insane guy on Twitter?”

And they would be correct.

Jose Canseco’s tweets are just begging for someone to analyze them.  It’s a frightening proposition. I can never possibly understand the inner workings of Jose Canseco’s soul and by trying to understand his soul, I might lose my own. But someone has to try and understand the genius of Jose Canseco. I probably won’t; no one probably ever will, but it has to be done.

I will try (and most likely fail) to conduct an analysis of the genius Twitter feed that belongs to the one and only Jose Canseco.


“A broken heart is knd of like a broken bat you can use it again but it will never be the same”-@JoseCanseco

I never have really thought about comparing a broken heart to a broken bat, but it is an apt metaphor. Unless of course, it is a Sammy Sosa broken bat and then the heart would be full of cork. I cannot imagine that would be good for one’s cardiovascular health.

“Roses are red violets are blue I heard your voice and got all depressed to”-@JoseCanseco

Worst Hallmark card ever.

“Who out there thinks they can beat me in a mma match”-@JoseCanseco

Canseco spends a lot of time tweeting about wanting to fight someone in an MMA match. I have no idea why no one ever chooses to fight him, but it is probably because no one ever wants to be associated with someone who starred on The Surreal Life. It’s a little known fact that being around someone who starred in a VH1 reality TV show kills more careers than staring on a show for the CW.

“Be careful with car max they are a scam will offer you nothing on your trade in even if ur car is brand new .check around first”-@JoseCanseco

Canseco spends four tweets in a row tweeting about how CarMax is a scam. I’m not sure if this hurt CarMax’s business or was the greatest advertising campaign in the history of CarMax. I’m thinking the latter.

“I accept shaqs challenge to fight him let's get it on.”-@JoseCanseco

I don’t think Shaq ever accepted a fight against Jose Canseco, but Shaq should really consider the match. I’m not joking. You put that fight on pay-per-view and I’m sure that at least twelve people will watch it.

“Leila loves her mom and misses her very much.”-@JoseCanseco

Leila is Jose’s on again/off again (currently off) girlfriend. I’m not sure why Jose felt like he needed to tweet this message, but let it be known that Leila does love and miss her mother.

“Billy beane call me would love to dh for you just give me a tryout that's all I ask”-@JoseCanseco

The beauty Jose Canseco’s Twitter feed is that he tweets random messages to people and then assumes that one, they actually read his Twitter feed and two, they would ever bother responding. I’m not going to lie, if Jose Canseco did for some reason get one more at bat in the big leagues it would be pretty much the most entertaining at bat in the history of professional baseball. So Billy Beane (I know you’re reading this) please give Canseco at least one AB. You would be doing the world a great service.

“Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats .I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout”-@JoseCanseco

Just give him a chance dammit! I’m serious. Because he violated a cardinal rule of baseball by ratting out his teammates, Canseco has been essentially blackballed from the league. We’ll never see him in the league again, but I still contend that a Canseco comeback would be one of the most awesome sports stories ever.

“Looking forwrd to bp tomorrow and launching some bombs into the jungle .happy”-@JoseCanseco

Scar didn’t kill Mufasa. A Jose Canseco batting practice bomb did.

“This is Jose's girlfriend Leila. I love him very much so If you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all. Thanks!”-@JoseCanseco

If Jose Canseco was five and Leila was his mother, this might not be the lamest tweet ever.

“If I have no bat speed at 47 then y does the ball go so far when I hit it ?”-@JoseCanseco

Jose Canseco: Proving the haters wrong since 1987

“Wow so sad that even Jesus Christ had haters I an proud to be part of his team”-@JoseCanseco

When I don’t want people to think I’m insane, I immediately compare myself to Jesus. Look at Jim Jones and Charles Manson; no one has ever thought they were insane! Also, you know we have come a long way as a society when in 2012 people saying mean things to you on Twitter is comparable to crucifixion.

“you dont hold a baseball it holds you”-@JoseCanseco

What the fuck?

“a baseball is the smell of youth and our fathers”-@JoseCanseco

Call me strange, but I’ve never made an effort to smell my father. I’m guessing that he probably doesn’t smell like a baseball, but you never know. Youth probably smells like rejection, tears and social awkwardness.

“Kenny powers has nothing on me”-@JoseCanseco

Considering that Kenny Powers is a fictional character, I would agree with Jose on this one.

“rawlings I need 36 inch big sticks unfinished ash”-@JoseCanseco

I literally think that Jose Canseco thinks that Twitter is run by wish-granting magical fairies that relay messages to people.

“I wish I could give all the angry people a hug”-@JoseCanseco

After going through hundreds of Jose Canseco tweets, I wish I could have a hug right now.

“A little girl told me one time that I should open up a hug store .what a great idea”-@JoseCanseco

The same little girl thinks that white panel vans that have the words “FREE CANDY” spray-painted on them are really neat, too.

“home runs should not count if you lose and count doble if you win”-@JoseCanseco

And losing pitchers should be killed by firing squads!

“@THEGaryBusey hug for u”-@JoseCanseco

No comment.

“Do you believe in bigfoot of the loch Ness monster”-@JoseCanseco

The one thing that Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster have in common is that they are both less elusive than Jose Canseco’s sanity.

“@shaq where are u I'm coming home .still wanna dance ? lets hook up”-@JoseCanseco

Is this intentionally homoerotic? If those two made a sex tape that would be considered a crime against humanity.

“@shaq WHERE THE HELL R YOU ? You ask me to fight I say yes and you run and hide .r you just a big pussy ?”-!@JoseCanseco

Guess that sex tape didn’t happen.

“I might be the guy you want to hate bit I am also the guy you want to be I complete you.”-@JoseCanseco

I have always felt like there was a massive hole in my soul. I always thought it was from my abysmal love life, but apparently it’s apparently because I haven’t been filled by Jose Canseco. That’s probably a good thing.

“shaqie poo where are you”-@JoseCanseco

I was just joking before but I think Jose Canseco legitimately wants to have sex with Shaq.

“Everyone has 2 ages internal and external .how old ate you internally”-@JoseCanseco

I’m slowly coming to grips that this man’s Twitter feed is driving me insane. WHAT DOES THIS TWEET EVEN MEAN!

“i have the hips of a 20 yr old”-@JoseCanseco

But the brain of a dementia suffering version of Gary Busey.

“I am now in your head and in your life .I command you to hug a stranger tomorrow or you will have bad luck for 72 hours”-@JoseCanseco

He’s resorted to tweeting chain messages. I’ve resorted to slowly putting a gun to my temple. I just want to be done with this article. I can’t handle the insanity much longer.

“Bud should give every baby a baseball right in the hospital right when they are born .They will attach to the baseball and the game for life”-@JoseCanseco


“@shaq r we going to make this happen or not? We r ready. Just need a date.”-@JoseCanseco


“Titanic 100 years wOw. Global warming couldve saved titanic. Sad to say”-@Jose Canseco


“just remembered i was born in cuba. if obama was not born in usa and he is president how did he get around being elected. i should learn how”-@JoseCanseco


“If your metally ill and paranoid we can be best friends”-@JoseCanseco

Want to be Canseco’s best friend? Spend two hours reading his Twitter feed. I’m incoherent right now. People around me are literally watching me break into hysterics.

“I am pretty dumb for a genius”-@JoseCanseco

Maybe Canseco is the genius. Maybe he is taking all of us on this crazy Twitter based ride that is driving all of us insane and he knows that the longer he tweets the more insane we will all go. Maybe Canseco will become president in 2016. Maybe I will jump in front of a moving bus after writing this article.

“If snitches get stiches ,then what dl liars and haters get”-@JoseCanseco

Whatever rhymes with liars and haters.

“Don't hate masturbate”-@JoseCanseco

This might be the only thing that makes sense on this entire godforsaken Twitter feed. Can I get an award for going through all these tweets? I feel like I have lost a part of my soul.

“Did you know that having sex and watching porn slows down the aging process”-@JoseCanseco

If watching porn slowed down the aging process a third of the male population would still look like they are twenty-five.

“Some aliens deleted my acc.”-@JoseCanseco

It appears we actually can call aliens intelligent life.

“I ment to say lady Gaga asked me on a date”-@JoseCanseco


“Who ever my 500k follower is can have a threesome with lady Gaga and yours truly”-@JoseCanseco

I’d rather shove an icepick through my scrotum.

“Just got into a fight with the invisible man or was I just arguing with myself”-@JoseCanseco

Fuck this. I’m going to go jump in front of a bus. Goodbye world.