Full Credits

Stats & Data

June 10, 2015

Hot Pants Or No Hot Pants, Sepp Blatter Wants You To Watch The Women's World Cup

Former FIFA President Sepp Blatter just resigned amidst an ongoing corruption scandal and investigation, but that didn’t stop him from writing us one last guest op-ed to share his progressive opinions about the Women’s World Cup.

Hi everyone, my name is Sepp Blatter. I’m here to talk about one thing that everyone should be paying all their attention to these days: The 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup!

You might know me as the former president of FIFA who resigned recently amid allegations of years and years of bribes and money laundering. You might also remember that I once said that female soccer players should play in hot pants if they want more people to watch. I served as the president of FIFA for 17 years.

But that’s enough about me. I’m here to say that you should be watching these chicks play soccer! Gals from all across the world are kicking, hustling, and scoring goals, and it is definitely the most exciting thing happening in sports right now. Trust me, I’m not just saying that because I think it will divert attention away from all of the controversy surrounding my exit from FIFA. I legitimately like women’s soccer now, hot pants or no hot pants.

I mean, sure, it’s a proven fact that sex sells. That isn’t just a saying that got plucked out of the ether and constantly used due to the pleasant ring of its alliteration. People say it because it’s true! Look at the picture I used for the thumbnail of this post, that babe and her hot pants alone will account for more views than the headline and any of the other words I write combined. The plain and simple fact is that hot pants are the sexiest pants anyone can wear and sexy outfits get people’s attention.

Before you ask, yes, I do believe men should be wearing hot pants too! That was conveniently left out of the papers when I was quoted about women wearing tighter shorts. The entire statement actually ended with “…and men too. Basically what I want to say here is that my favorite kind of pants are hot pants and I’d like to see more of them everywhere. Men and women both look great in them and heck, hot pants even look good when no one is wearing them. I have a few just hanging up in my living room that I look at while sitting on stacks of money-stuffed briefcases and sipping Swiss gin late at night.” That was the actual quote in proper context.

There are people out there who are going to keep bringing up all the misdeeds I committed as president of FIFA to question my judgement, but, you know what, I stand by my hot pants comment. I mean, look at these things:


Oh Boy These Shorts Are Great!

But I didn’t ask to write this article to address my resignation or hot pants, I’m here to tell people: Watch the Women’s World Cup, it’s great!

Do you remember the last Women’s World Cup four years ago? One of the best World Cup Finals in history, men or women. It was decided in overtime on penalty kicks! The U.S. and Japan fought hard for the whole game and Japan emerged victorious to become the first Asian country to ever win a World Cup. I have such great memories of that game. Of course, when I remember old women’s soccer matches, the memories play out in my brain, where I can manipulate the images, and I choose to remember that game as played between two teams of women wearing bright pink hot pants. THAT’S NOT ILLEGAL, it’s only happening in my brain!

I “remember” American goalkeeper Hope Solo wearing particularly stretchy pink hot pants, diving to stop shot after shot. In my mind’s eye, I zoom in on the pants, seams impossibly stretched along the hip. Curving, extending and contracting in all the right places. After the game, the stressed hot pants are thrown into the laundry, tired and scuffed from a hard-fought 90 minutes. The Lycra stretched and sagging, hanging over the lip of the laundry basket, yearning to be massaged back to their original buoyancy and resilience, even though we all know hot pants have very little hope of returning to their original sexy form after such a beating. Hot pants’ frailty is just another part of their magnificence.

I’m wearing hot pants right now and I feel sexier and more attractive than when I wear the finest suits in Switzerland. I should have wore hot pants as I was resigning, then they’d have to watch my big fat ass tucked into some impossibly tight hot pants walking away and out of the soccer world forever. They would’ve been begging me to return in no time!

I realize that this has become more about hot pants than the Women’s World Cup but I’ve recently lost everything and have been outed as a conniving selfish fraud so I no longer have anything to lose. Kiss my hot pants–covered ass, world, I’m only watching sports where they wear hot pants from now on and so should you!