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August 05, 2013

Breaking Bad is a violent and morally bankrupt television program, but Dr. Phil has some recommendations for the writers.

As some of you may be aware, the violent and morally bankrupt television program Breaking Bad is scheduled to being airing the remaining episodes of its final season this coming Sunday.

If you haven’t seen the show, that’s a GOOD THING, folks. From what I can gather, the “plot” revolves around the various antics and riff raff of a sociopathological science teacher and his troubled young degenerate drug-dealing addict colleague. Note: this is NOT a family show. That said, the writers still have a chance to end the show on a note of redemption. My recommendations are as follows:

1.    Everyone on the show needs to get their butts into therapy.

The only way this show can retain a shred of legitimacy is if each and every participant gets their butts into therapy ASAP. I’m talkin’ hardcore locked-doors-remote-location-boot-camp rehab therapy. And I’m not just talking about the characters on the show here; I also mean the actors, the writers and producers, and anyone who has watched more than a few minutes of the show. And I'm not just talking behavioral therapy – y’all need gene therapy too. Remember: sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes the right decision makes you. (You need therapy, is what I'm saying.)

2.    Everyone on the show needs be punished.

Folks, there are some sick people in this world, and even intensive gene therapy ain’t gonna solve their problems. Again, here I’m referring to the majority of the characters on the show as well as the writers, producers, directors, and people out there who have watched more than one full episode. Y’all need to ask yourselves: “Would the world be a better place without my existence? Would the innocent feel cleansed to witness my bones being picked clean by a murderous pack of super-hyenas?” The answer is yes. You people need extreme punishment, and you need it now. If you fear your inevitable retribution, just remember: 80 percent of our choices are based on fear, but 1000 percent of our fear is based on 60 percent of our choices – and maybe even more than that. So, just keep that in mind, too.

3.    Introduce a new character who loses a miraculous amount of weight.

I don’t care if you’re a pregnant teenager from Punxsutawney or Jerry from Indiana, y’all love watching obese people lose dramatic amounts of weight on TV. If you’re gonna try and deny this, then I know you’re nothing but a gooney bird and you need to get your butt to therapy (see #1). The simple truth is that dramatic weight loss is the most compelling thing on TV and that is a scientific fact. How hard could it be for Breaking Bad to find an obese person and force them to lose weight? Remember, you need to listen to your body because your body likes watching other bodies lose weight on TV.

4.    Introduce a little romance.

Sometimes in life, we need a good old-fashioned romance to make a show worth watching. Now, all this stuff about crystal meth and the “who-killed-who?”— why not replace that with a new female romantic interest. Maybe her name is Linda. Maybe Linda has pretty eyes, wavy hair and soft hands. “Can I get you some chocolate-covered strawberries, Linda?” I ask. “Sure, and then how about we have a little bit of nice champagne?” she responds. A back massage quickly turns into heavy petting. I’m just spitballing here, folks, but you get the idea. Remember, at the end of the day… someone like this Linda character could really make things interesting.

5.    Jesse should murder Walter.