Above: "This Blows" (artist unknown)
Revelation #1: I Cometh with Clouds
 My Judgment of you, the everlasting criticism of your failings and poor choices, must shortly come to pass;
 And this Judgment is sent and signified by the Angels of My Better Judgement:
 Who bare record of my Superiority, and of the sum total of things you've said and done, or failed to.
 Behold, I cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see Me and fear My Judgment: and all kindreds of the Earth shall wail. Even so, Amen.
 To Me be glory and dominion over your Clothing, Grocery, Furniture, Career, Parenting, Basically Anything, for ever and ever.
 I am the Beginning and End of Self-Regard, saith Me, which is, and which was, and which is to come, the Almighty Judgement of Your Life.
 Blessed are the ones who hear My Condemnations and keep them close to their hearts: for My Judgement is at hand.
Revelation #2: Do You Have a Club Card?
 You, who strive to live Beyond Criticism, strolling placidly through the Kingdom of the Supermarket, stood in the Express Line for the word of My Judgment, and for the testimony of those on the Magazine Covers.
 You heard behind you a great voice, as of a trumpet,
 Saying, What diet and lifestyle advice thou seest in the Magazines, send it unto Eli, and unto Samuel, and unto Peggy, and unto Tammy, and unto Jasmine, and unto Chad, and all the rest of your "Friends."
 And you turned to see the voice that spake with you. And being turned, you saw one like unto an Angel, clothed with an organic garment down to the foot, expensive but understated, and non-carcinogenic sunscreen about the face with golden sunglasses. This was Me.
 My hair was like fine merino wool; and My voice as the sound of many Italian mineral waters.
 And I had in My right hand a bag of seven perfectly ripe California avocados: and My countenance was as the sun shineth in its strength.
 And when you saw Me, you felt unworthy, lesser-than, pathetic.
 And you were asked if you had a Club Card, and lo, you did not.
 And I laid My left hand upon you, saying unto you, Fear not;
 I belong to the most exclusive club of all: For I am the one that liveth a life no one can find fault with. Even the Grammarians.
Revelation #3: Your House is an Embarrassment Unto Me
 I came over to your house and walked amongst your possessions, dismissing them with a mighty wave of My right hand.
 I flipped through your aspirational catalogs and found them wanting. Crate & Barrel? Really?
 And you dreamed of a remodeled bathroom and new kitchen appliances: for the first bathroom and the first kitchen were now passed away in your mind;
 And there was no more contentment thither.
 And everywhere you looked in your house, you found fault. Nothing was new enough, or nice enough; nor did you have enough, period. And there was much gnashing of teeth. You wanted to buy a bite guard. Even so, Amen.
 And I said: After I depart from your house, My Judgement shall remain with you, and with your pathetic possessions.
 For when you internalize My Judgments of you, I continue to Judge you without having to make a phone call, nor even a text message. Amen.
 And the Judgments and Condemnations shall not cease in your dreams: for there shall be no dreams of your own.
 Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear My voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will Judge him. Amen.
Revelation #4: Your Insignificant Other
 He that hath an ear, let him hear what I saith about your Significant Other: You could do better.
 Then again, I don't understand how anyone could love you.
 In any case, may the death knell of My Judgement ring through your bedroom forever and ever, and linger like the stains on your sheets. Amen.
 I know thy terrible relationships: Behold, I have set before thee an open door, and you cannot shut it: for thou seeks My Approval and fears My Judgment in all things.
 Like I said, What were you thinking?
 And after seeing you in tears, I heard a great voice of much people in heaven, saying, Alleluia; Salvation, and glory, and honour, and power, unto that guy who came over, and Judged us:
 For true and righteous are His Judgments: for He hath judged us a great whore.
 Before leaving, I counseled thee to bring thy fat pants out of storage, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness doth not impale the eyes of my brethren.
Revelation #5: No, I Shall Not Bless Thy Works
 I have seen thy works, and thy workplace woe, and how thou canst not bear them: and thou hast tried alternative ways of living, and hast found no easy answers:
 And thou hast for My name's sake labored, and hast not fainted from the physical or emotional exhaustion, for fear of My Judgment sustains you, along with your 5-Hour Energy beverage. Amen.
 For, through your own life, you shall remain a humble servant to Me, forever striving to bring glory and honor to My life, or die trying.
 And the smoke of your torment ascendeth up for ever and ever, like the stench of a co-worker's three-month-old goat cheese sandwich in the break room fridge.
 You shall have no rest day nor night. And whosoever receiveth vacation time without feeling guilty for not working, I find fault against thee. One must check email regularly.
 Remember therefore from whence thou come, and work harder; or else I shall come and remove My Blessings on your works, except thou repent unto me.
 Repent; or else I will conference call thee quickly, and cut you with the sword of my mouth, in front of thy friends and colleagues.
 And he that keepeth My Criticisms of his works unto the end, to him will I bestow huzzah.
 And I will prepare him a sausage and egg breakfast sandwich in celebration of his works, which are really My works after all. He who eateth My Sandwich shall receive everlasting jubilation and blessings.
Revelation #6: The Day of My Wrath is Come
 At last, I was fed up with you. And then you heard Me saying with a loud voice, The hour of My Judgment is at hand!
 Not just any judgment, mind you, but My Final Judgment. Or at least what seems to be My Final Judgment, for one can never tell.
 And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth; and every mountain and island vacation magazine was moved from its place. And the virtuous and the imperfect were separated like the contents of a bottle of low-calorie vinaigrette.
 And the artistic men, and the hiking men, and the organic grocery store men, and the yoga men hid themselves in their studios and in the hiking trails of the mountains;
 I'm not sure what happened to the women; they don't really count anyway.
 And they said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of Him that sitteth on the Throne of Judgement:
 For the great day of My Wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand My Critiques?
Revelation #7: My Trumpets Blow
 And you saw the seven musicians hired for My Party; and to them were given seven trumpets, regardless of whether or not that was the instrument of their choice.
 And you beheld, and heard a singer through the midst of those trumpets, singing with a loud voice, Woe, woe, woe, to the listeners of this music!
 My Judgments were then heaped upon all by the fire and brimstone which issued out of My Mouth. For My Power is in My Mouth.
 And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude saying, Alleluia: for My Judgment Omnipotent reigneth. And: Whatever you do, don't eat the appetizers.
 And whosoever was not found written in My Guestbook of Perfection was cast into the Lake of Self-Loathing, along with the barbecued rack of lamb, which was good, but not great.
Revelation #8: New Judgementalism On Earth As It Is In Heaven
 And I saw the holy city, New Judgementalism, coming down out of heaven.
 And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, New Judgementalism is with the people.
 And I dwell there, even though I'd give it only three stars. Yes, three stars, exactly. Maybe two.
 And within the golden walls of that city, I shall wipe away all self-assuredness; and there shall be no more confidence, neither self-esteem, nor self-respect, neither shall there be any more intrinsic motivation.
 And I that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things not good enough. See that guy's white robe? Not white enough. And he hung his head in shame.
 He that hold dear My Judgments shall inherit all anxieties, without the balms of Xanax or Prozac, either from Canadian pharmacies or by legitimate prescription.
 And yea, the authentic, the self-lovers, and therapists, and feminists, and people who say "Happy Holidays" shall have their part in the lake which burneth with the fire and brimstone of My Judgments.
 And I led you through the city, and the gates thereof, and the walls thereof. And you saw no temple therein:
 For My Perfection is the temple of it. Not yours.
 And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the endless supply of My Greatness did light its street lamps as if by some miraculous, everlasting oil. And yea, every pore and wrinkle on thy face was revealed by that glorious light.
 And the gates of my city shall never shut: for there shall be no escape from My Judgment.