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April 13, 2012

J.K. Rowling's first adult book "The Casual Vacancy" is set to be released in a few months, but here's some exclusive leaked excerpts.







“Hello there. Thank you for buying this book. Obviously I have a lot to live up to coming off of the most popular septology of all time, both creatively and academically, but my publishers reassured me if I wrote another book people would pay wagon-loads of money to read it. So here we are. Thank you for your devoted readership of my last series, I assure you this book will be quite different. Though in many ways, it will be the same. Both books feature black type on white paper, pages, a spine, binding, pages glued to that spine, a back cover, a front cover, the author’s name, and certain limited editions will contain a dust jacket.”

“Let me reiterate this book has nothing at all to do with Harry Potter. Yes, the series was great and made me a billionaire, and begat me a ridiculously huge merchandising contract and eight-movie deal that I still get re-donk-ulous royalties for everyday, making me richer than the Queen of England and Elton John combined.  I had a joke prepared about that but my publisher said that parents reading this to their children in the hopes of putting them to sleep may not approve and it might be akward to ad-lib around. (Hint: It involved a word staring with Q that rhymed with “Cee Lo Green”) So instead I will put it more eloquently: As we say in England, skrilla be rolling in, bitch. But this is not that book. I decided to write another book, and I assure you, though it will not quite be Harry Potter, it will, in fact contain words.”

“Once upon a time there was a man, not named Harry Potter, who did not attend a school for magic, nor was he a wizard of any kind. He was simply a man who...” 

“Okay, punched my keyboard just this moment and I got CZLVCNY so I guess I will call my book “The Casual Vacancy.”

“There once was a guy, not a wizard with no wizard friends, who was rather casual, and took up a vacancy at a Motel 6.”

“I did tell you this is an adult book, right? The next 37 pages are smut. Absolutely filthy. Please pay me an extra 8 dollars if you are even attempting to go near them. They involve a butler, Carmen Sandiego, and a group of Furries.”

“I miss making up words like Muggle and Dumbledore and shit like that. Here’s a few for your convenience slash Twittering needs. Sarkozy. Merkel. Carla Bruni. Portugal.”

“I actually forgot how easy this is. Already got an ass-load of pre-orders. N00bz!!!”

“The next few pages are blank for your convenience. Use them as you wish. Write down rogue phone numbers, draw pictures of marine life, rip them out to clean up a Gatorade spill. Whatever. I don’t judge.”

“Who do you think would win in a fight between Drake and Cee Lo Green? Show your work.”

“Got to level 7 of Minesweeper today.”

“Fuck it. Wizards.”

“Watching “The Real Housewives of London”. Just kidding, everyone in London is a housewife. Except me.”

“I tried to get Cee Lo to cameo as Hagrid’s black cousin in the last movie. I really did. But he said no.”