My new movie Fences opens December 16 and I think you’re really going to like it. I’m very proud of the film and want as many people as possible to see it. However, if you fuckers think for one second that I’m going to schlep a clip around to talk shows in a desperate attempt to “sell” you on the project, you are sorely mistaken.
Who am I, Josh Gad?!
You know damn well that if you go to one of my movies, I will entertain the living shit out of you. I’ve got charisma coming out of my ass here! Did you not see Training Day?
I’ve been dropping classics like Glory and American Gangster for decades, yet you still expect me to dole out free samples of my new film like a frozen yogurt shop trying to drum up business? That is not happening, pal. You’re lucky I even let you look at the poster.
Oh, you want a synopsis? Here you go: It’s a movie with Denzel Washington. Now run along and pre-order tickets on Fandango like a good little boy, capische?
Look, I’m not saying my track record is perfect. I know you got burned on The Bone Collector, and for that I am truly sorry. Although if I’m being honest, that one was the director’s fault. I acted my ass off in that movie. I was emoting left and right. No way you’re pinning that flop on me.
If you even need to see a clip to decide whether to check out one of my films, I don’t want you in my audience. You probably wouldn’t understand any of the deep themes anyway. The nuance would be lost on you. You should sit tight and wait for a new Ernest movie. Maybe he’ll go to camp again.
People who don’t have two Oscars make me sick.