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Published July 08, 2008

WEED WARS Episode IV: A New Dope
Parts 01-12

Part 01


    A long time ... Uh, hmmm. I can't seem to remember when exactly. But it was in a galaxy ... Uhh .. Somewhere.

    It is a time of great change in the galaxy. For thousands of years, the Red-eye Knights upheld peace in the republic, and made sure to deal with any rowdy drunks by sending them home to smoke a joint and chill the fuck out. Then, senator Grenadine gained control of the senate through trickery and subterfuge. He proclaimed himself the Hempfirer of the galaxy and started his evil reign. First he killed off all the Red-eye. Then he proceeded to start burning all of the weed crops and replace them with breweries and distilleries. It was a dark time for all and it gave rise to the Rebel Highliance.
    There is a civil war raging in the galaxy. Rebel spaceships have been attacking from a hidden base and have just won their first victory against the evil Galactic Hempfire.
    During the battle, rebel spies obtained the plans to the Hempfire's new ultimate weapon. An armoured space station with enough firepower to destroy an entire fucking planet, that the Hempfirer called the Drunk Star.
    With the Hempfire's sinister agents hot on her pretty little ass, princess Higha races home in her starship, guardian of the stolen plans that can save her people and end the stupid fucking civil war, making the galaxy free to get baked once again.

Weed Wars IV: Part 02

    HydroWeed, a golden coloured desert planet on the outer reaches of the galaxy. It is a planet known for it's moisture farms and ability to grow the best pot in the region under the most adverse conditions. However, unknown to the inhabitants on the surface, a battle was raging in the stars just above.
    High above the planet, the starship on which the princess traveled, was being pursued by a larger destroyer class ship. The smaller ship was shaped very much like a giant pot leaf with many large engines attached to the rear and had the markings of a diplomatic vessel. The larger ship was shaped like a bottle of Silent Sam with a slight taper to it and it was catching up quickly.
    As the Hempfirial Destroyer's lasers blasted the little starship, a couple of it's inhabitants were about to start on an epic adventure. Inside one of the corridors, two figures made their way awkwardly through the ship. As laser blasts and explosions rocked the ship, they were thrown about. These were not normal occupants though, they were not even human.
    The two figures were in fact, robots. The shorter of the two was colored green and white, and was shaped like a canister with a dome on top. It rolled on the floor with two wheels on arm like structures mounted on its side, and a third retractable one from underneath. Lights and sensors were mounted all around the dome, which spun to look in any direction. He spoke in beeps and whistles, and answered to the name ArDoob DeDoob. The second figure was very humanlike in shape, although, very stiff and rigid in his movements. He was coppery gold in color, with the light green insignia of a pot leaf on his chest. There was very, very tiny lettering below the leaf with his designation, C3P Grow. He was designed as an agricultural robot and translator to assist in the growing and selling of righteous bud. He spoke many languages, but the main one seemed to be, scared shitless.
    "Do you hear that? The ship is being shot to shit and it sounds like they just shut down the main generator." said C3P Grow in a very distressed tone.
    "We're fucked! Totally fucked! We'll be blown to fuck for sure!"
    ArDoob let out a series of beeps and whistling noises.
    "I'm pretty sure there's no way the princess will be able to escape this time." Grow said to the canister.
    "What the fuck was that?"
    The ship made a huge noise as the destroyer neared it. A large bay on the bottom of the warship enveloped the smaller craft. With the starship safely in the belly of the destroyer, the Slur-troopers were ready to board it.
    Inside the starship, troops lined up along the corridor, waiting for the inevitable, and listening to the ship groan and creak. They aimed their lasers at the entrance and waited. The outer rim of the doorway began to smoke and turn bright white. Then it was vaporized in an explosion. Slur-troopers poured in through the door, laser fire erupting everywhere. The ships troops tried to fight them off, but the Hempfirial Slur-troopers were too well trained and soon had them on the run.
    In the middle of this rather large shit storm, were the robots.
    "It's now or never! Let's go!"
    The two scrambled across the corridor, ablaze with laser fire, to arrive at the other side safely. They headed down a new hall as the firefight raged behind them. Looking for a safer place to be.
    Meanwhile, at the entrance, a new figure emerged from the smoke. He was about a foot taller than any of the troops and very large as well. He was dressed all in black, with a black cape and ominous looking helmet that covered his entire head. On his chest was an electronic device that had lights and gauges on it and made a faint bubbling noise as it constantly metered out the proper dosage of liquor for any given situation. His name was Drunk Raider and he was the Hempfirer's right hand man. He took a casual look at the bodies lying around, and then headed down the corridor, with a purpose.

Weed Wars IV: Part 03

    ArDoob sat, chirping and whistling, as a disc was inserted into a slot on his body. C3P Grow had gotten separated from him and was searching for him and calling his name.
    "ArDoob! Where are you, you useless twat stump. Where the fuck did you go?"
    As C3P Grow rounded a corner, he saw ArDoob in a steamy corridor. He was just sitting there, motionless. In front of him, there was a woman in white. She was very beautiful and totally fuckable. She bent over and pressed a button on his chest and then turned and walked away. Then ArDoob turned and headed down the corridor towards C3P Grow.
    "There you are, you idiot! We've got to get the fuck outta here! They're coming this way! Ohh, we're fuckin' doomed. They'll disassemble us for sure. Or melt us down to be made into vibrators for big, bitchy old hags who can't get laid! What the fuck are we going to do?"
    ArDoob just turned his dome and started to head down one of the corridors with hardly a bleep.
    "Where the fuck are you going now? fuckhead! You're going to get us royally fucked up with one of your stupid plans again! Aren't you?!" C3P Grow screamed out as he headed after his counterpart.
    Elsewhere on the ship, the Slur-troopers were cleaning up the last of the ship's defences and taking prisoners. One trooper headed over to a figure in black who was busy interrogating an enemy officer, or just choking him for fun to amuse his drunken ass. It was Raider! The trooper approached him and started to talk.
    "Lord Raider, the Drunk Star plans are not in the ships memory banks anywhere."
    "Where are the plans contained in the transmission that you intercepted!" Drunk Raider bellowed in a slightly slurred yet boomy tone, with electronic overtones, as he tightened his grip on the officer's neck.
    "We didn't get any transmissions. We don't have any plans. We are a purely diplomatic vessel." the officer choked out, as his airways started to close off even further.
    Raider squeezed until there was a loud snapping noise. He dropped the broken officer and turned to his Slur-troopers.
    "Tear this piece of shit, rust bucket apart until you find the plans and bring me every passenger, alive!" With that, he turned and headed away as the troopers started to search every piece of the ship.
    In a corridor of the ship, she hid, with a laser blaster at the ready. She looked gorgeous in her white robes and she had her hair done up to look like a couple of tasty ass cinnamon buns, one on each side of her head. She could totally give you a boner and a mad case of the munchies all at once, just by looking at her. She backed further into her little corner as Slur-troopers started to come in one of the entranceways.
    " There's one, stun the bitch, don't let her escape!"
    She jumped out in a blaze of laser fire and managed to score two direct hits on the lead trooper, one in his head, and another right through his fucking nutsack. One of the other troopers caught her with a blast from his stun gun. As she lost consciousness, she could barely be heard talking.
     "Don't call me a bitch, Fuckstick."
    Elsewhere in the ship, the two robots were near a hatch. ArDoob started through the entrance to the escape pod, but C3P Grow stopped.
    "We can't go in there, ArDoob. They'll deactivate us. It's a restricted fucking area, what are you doing?"
    ArDoob let out a series of unpleasant sounding noises.
    "Don't you call me a cowardly cunt monkey you shit can. I understand where cowardly comes from but what the fuck is a cunt monkey anyhow. Just get the fuck out of there before you're seen."
    Once more, ArDoob let out a series of noises, this time more urgent sounding.
    "What plans? What fucking secret mission? What the fuck are you talking about you ..."
    At that moment, an explosion of laser fire erupted right behind 3P Grow.
    "Holy fuck, I ain't getting my round, shiny ass blown to fuck either, move over! I know I'm going to get fucked over this, I always get fucked. Why the fuck do I listen to you?" Grow and ArDoob entered the pod and the door closed behind them. Soon after, the pod shot out of it's bay and down toward the planet below.
    "Sir, a life pod has been launched but there isn't any life form readings." one of the officers on the control deck said to his commanding officer.
    "Don't worry about it. There are more important things going on right now." The commander said back.
    Meanwhile, in the pod, C3P Grow sat with ArDoob and bitched. Because that is what he was good at.
    "Do you think this thing will hold together? It looks like a piece of rusted shit that has never been used. I think we're totally fucked now."
    The pod drifted down toward the planet below, holding a secret that could change the tide of the entire civil war.

Weed Wars IV: Part 04

    There were several Slur-troopers marching down the corridor in two rows. In between them was a petite little princess with a not so little frown on her face. They marched her down several corridors and through a doorway. Then they started to approach a large, dark figure. The princess was the first to speak.
    "Drunk Raider! Only you would have the huge brass balls required for a move like this! The senate will not allow you to get away with this! When they hear about you attacking a diplomatic vessel they..."
    "You seem surprised, princess. You know as well as I that you weren't doing anything remotely diplomatic here. Several transmissions were sent here by known rebel spies. Where are the plans that they sent?" boomed Raider as he cut her off.
    The princess looked up at Raider and, with the most innocent look she could muster, replied to his statement.
    "I have no clue what you're talking about. I am a member of the senate on a diplomatic mission to the planet AlderBong."
    "You are not on a diplomatic mission! You are a member of the Rebel Highliance and a fucking traitor! Take her away and throw her in the shittiest cell you can find!" Raider boomed out angrily.
    With that, the Slur-troopers escorted the princess away while Raider walked away next to one of his officers. The officers seemed angry but spoke with great care to sound inoffensive.
    "Holding her can be very bad for us. If people find out, it could make the senate sympathetic to the rebels."
    "The rebel spies were linked to this ship and she is my only way to find their hidden base." retorted Raider.
    "She'll never talk. She's one tough cunt. She'll die before she talks. That's how she got where she is."
    "Don't worry about her. I'll take care of that little problem. Send a distress signal to the senate and inform them that all aboard the ship were killed."
    The officer went off the other way. Raider walked a little further until he came upon another officer emerging from the main bridge. The officer called out to him.
    "Lord Raider! The plans are nowhere on this ship and no communications were made. However, there was an escape pod jettisoned during the attack, but there were no life forms aboard."
    "She must have put the plans in the pod. Send a party down to get them. Take care of it yourself. Nothing will stop us this time. Victory will be ours."

Weed Wars IV: Part 05

    The desert seemed to go on forever, which it kind of did, considering the fact that it stretched all the way around the planet. C3P Grow and ArDoob DeDoob walked along the packed sands, wondering which way to go and how far away the nearest settlement was. Grow was complaining, as usual.
    "How the fuck did we end up in a fucked up situation like this? It seems like getting fucked over is our entire purpose in life. I need to rest for a bit. My joints are starting to freeze. It makes them so hard to get lit."
    ArDoob rolled along next to Grow, occasionally chirping out a small comment as his counterpart continued to complain about their situation.
    "What a shithole this place is. It's just sand and fucking rock. Hey, ArDoob, where the fuck are you going?" C3P Grow said as his companion started to veer off on his own.
    "I'm not going that way. It's all rocky and shit. This way is way fucking easier twitrod."
    ArDoob chirped a response as he continued on his way.
    "What the fuck makes you think that there would be settlements over in that direction? Great! A fuckin' space mechanic robot lands on some desolate sand bowl planet and all of a sudden he's Survival Sandy of the desert."
    ArDoob twittered and beeped for a few seconds.
    "Oh, don't try to confuse me with technical shit. And what the fuck are you talking about? What secret fucking mission? If you want to go that way then fuck right off garbage can. You'll be glitching out in a fucking day. And don't follow me looking for any kind of fucking help, because you ain't getting it."
    ArDoob squawked and squealed as C3P Grow walked away. He turned to look back at ArDoob for a second.
    "I've had enough fucking adventures and don't feel like getting myself killed! I'm not going that fucking way!"
    And with that, the robots set off in opposite directions.
    C3P Grow had been walking for a while now and he was still angry at his little friend.
    "That little fucking twerp tricked me into going this way. He's gonna get just as fucked as me though. Hey! What the fuck is that?"
    Off in the distance, there was a glint of light off of something moving through the desert, something big.
    "It looks like a transport vehicle. I'm fucking saved, imagine that. Hey! Hey! Over here! Come save my shiny fucking ass!"

Weed Wars IV: Part 06

    ArDoob rolled through the rocky valley, whistling to himself to keep entertained, and to keep his mind off of the growing uneasiness inside him. Unknown to him was the fact that he was being watched by little eyes in the shadows. As he moved along, it became more apparent to him, as he started to get foggy little blips on his sensors. Off to his side, a ways away, some rocks fell down the side of a cliff, and his audio receivers were picking up several unusual sounds. From out of nowhere, a little short being in a dark green robe with a hood and glowing eyes, shot an electric bolt out of a gun.
    The shock stunned ArDoob immediately as he froze up and fell over on his front. The little robed figure let out a noise and made a gesture with his hands. From all around, more of them started to appear. These guys spoke a language so fucked up that I couldn't even describe it. They were known as the JayPuffs, the scavengers of the desert, and it looked like they just made their latest acquisition.
    Several of the little midget fucks surrounded the temporarily disabled ArDoob and picked him up. They carried him across the rocky terrain and around the bend. They carried him to their home, a transport vehicle of the very large variety. The JayPuffs were a nomadic species that constantly wandered the desert for things to scavenge and sell, including lost robots.
    They stood ArDoob upright and backed off. A huge pipe was lowered from above him and ArDoob had an electronic restraining bolt attached to his chest to restrict his mobility. It also zapped him out of it again. Then he was sucked up into the pipe to be deposited inside the enormous transport.
    ArDoob awoke several minutes later in what appeared to be a dimly lit salvage yard. As he wandered through it he saw some robots being disassembled while others were being repaired. Some were even being painfully retrofitted with tools and objects to make them more valuable. As he neared the back of the area, he heard a familiar voice.
    "ArDoob?.. ArDoob!! I can't fuckin' believe it! Is it really you? Holy fuck-knobs! So these little fucking scavengers managed to nab your ass too Eh? Well, either way, I'm sure glad to see you."
    As the transport made it's way through the desert, the Slur-troopers were busy investigating the landing site of the escape pod that the robots had arrived on. There were troops everywhere. It was obvious that this was a high priority job. One trooper approached his commander and started to give him an update.
    "Sir, there was definitely someone in the escape pod. The tracks go off in that direction. It looks like it was a couple of robots, a humanoid one and a wheeled one, probably a space mech. We should be able to track them."

Weed Wars IV: Part 07

    The massive transport rolled along the desert, looking for more salvage or customers. It was a truly giant vehicle, at least ten stories high with a huge footprint to boot. Inside of it C3P Grow and ArDoob were waiting with the rest of the salvaged robots that could at least function.
    "Oh shit! We've stopped. I wonder what horrible thing they have in store for us. We are so totally fucked!"
    The huge door on the side of the transport started to open, and in flooded several JayPuffs. One of them started to point out different robots for the others to grab.
    "Do you think they'll turn us into fucking jewellery or some shit?" Grow said to ArDoob.
    The head JayPuff pointed out C3P Grow and then went to point out ArDoob as well. The robots were gathered together and herded off of the transport, where they were lined up in a row.
    "I knew it. They're going to use us for target practice! Well, it's been great knowing you ArDoob." C3P Grow exclaimed.
    They appeared to be lined up on the edge of a hydro farm. Here on HydroWeed, the hydro farms were the backbone of the economy. It was their job to produce water for people to drink and to grow the most excellent bud in this part of the galaxy. The JayPuff in charge started walking over towards a small building as a couple of figures emerged from it. One was an older man with a bit of a gut and a weathered look. The other one was a younger guy around eighteen or twenty years old. He looked like he had a workers build but not the aged and rough look of his uncle next to him.
    "Fluke! Hey Fluke!" The young man turned and jogged over towards the voice. It was his aunt Budoo calling him over to talk to him. Fluke Highwalker had lived with his aunt Budoo and uncle Growin for as long as he could remember. He peeked over a ledge, looking down onto his aunt as she called up to him.
    "Fluke, if you get a translator, make sure it can speak Budski."
    "The selection looks like it sucks the big one, but I'll remind him anyhow."
    Fluke turned and went to his uncle to remind him. As he approached him, his uncle was walking down the line of robots to size them up. He stopped in front of C3P Grow and started to speak to him.
    "I guess you are a translator." said Growin.
    "Translation? Fuck yeah. It's my main function." replied the robot.
    "Well, I got no fuckin' use for a translator..."
    "Of course you don't." C3P Grow interrupted. "Not on this planet, but I'm also programmed as an agricultural robot as well."
    "What I need," said Growin "is someone who understands hydro machine language."
    "What a coincidence, my first task in life was to program moisture extraction machines. I'm sure..."
    "OK, shut the fuck up. Can you speak Budski?"
    "Why yes, I can speak millions of other languages as well."
    Growin called to his nephew. "Hey Fluke, take this one and the red one there back to the garage. I want them cleaned up before supper"
    "But I was going to go THC Station to pick up some parts." replied Fluke.
    "You can go fuck around with your buddies some other time, when your chores are finished, now get to work please."
    Fluke took C3P Grow and called to the red robot. It started moving as ArDoob squealed and beeped at C3P Grow. After moving about ten feet the little robot stopped and shut down with a small puff of smoke.
    "Uncle Growin! This red one is completely fucked up. It won't move anywhere. I think something is burnt out in it."
    "Why don't you try the little green one?" C3P Grow said to Fluke "I'm sure he'll make you happy. I've worked with him before. He's in excellent condition."
    "Hey, uncle, why don't we get the green one?" said Fluke
    "We'll take the green one." Growin said to the JayPuff.
    ArDoob came over to Grow and Fluke. Fluke started walking to the garage as he called to the robots. As they started to follow Fluke, C3P Grow started talking to ArDoob.
    "Now don't you forget this. I saved your fucking ass big time. I don't know why I put my neck out to save you."
    With that, they followed Fluke into the garage.

Weed Wars IV: Part 08

    "This oil bath is going to be the shit man. It's been forever since I had a good cleaning and lubing." C3P Grow said as he was slowly being lowered into a giant tub filled with oil.
    "Fuck, Buds is right. He told me I'm never getting away from here. I'm gonna grow old and fuckin' die right here on this fucking hydro farm." Complained Fluke out loud.
    "Is there something I can do to help out?" inquired Grow.
    "Not unless you can transport me off this rock." replied Fluke
    "I'm sorry, I'm an agricultural robot and translator. I don't know anything about stuff like that. In fact, I don't even know which planet I'm on."
    "Well, If the galaxy has a dark, stinky asshole, you're in it." said Fluke sadly. "By the way, my name is Fluke."
    "Nice to meet you Fluke. I am C3P Grow, pothead/dealer relations, and this is my counterpart ArDoob DeDoob."
    "Hi." said Fluke as he tried to clean off ArDoob. "It looks like you've got some blaster marks here. You guys must have seen a bit of adventure."
    "Sometimes I'm surprised that we function at all, with the rebellion and everything."
    Fluke stood up quickly. "You know about the rebellion against the Hempfire?"
    "That's how we ended up here, if you get my drift." replied Grow.
    "Have you been in any battles?" asked Fluke.
    "Yes, several of them but there's not much to say. I'm merely a translator." C3P Grow said to a disappointed looking Fluke.
    Fluke continued working on ArDoob. "It looks like you got some sort of shit stuck in here." He said as he scraped at a spot on ArDoob. Suddenly, something let loose and Fluke fell backwards. At the same time, some sort of projection shot out of a lens on ArDoob, and created the 3D image of a woman in white robes.
    "What the fuck is that?" asked Fluke
    ArDoob chirped out a response.
    "What do you mean, What?. That babe being projected on the fucking floor, that's what!" said an aggravated C3P Grow.
    "Help me Oily-One Cangrowy You're my last hope." the image of the woman pleaded.
    After a response from ArDoob, Grow started talking to Fluke. "Oh, it's nothing. ArDoob says it's just an electronic glitch. It's old data, nothing of any use to us."
    "Holy fuck! She's a total fucking babe. She makes me want to whip it out and beat it right now. I mean, come on, I've been trapped on this fucking farm with no pussy for as long as I can remember.  Who the fuck is she?" Fluke rambled.
    "I think she was somebody of importance on our last voyage." said C3P Grow.
    "Is there more to this recording?" asked Fluke.
    "You be nice ArDoob!" Grow said as ArDoob made a nasty noise. "He's our new master. You can trust him."
    ArDoob let out a series of noises and Grow translated.
    "He says that he belongs to someone who lives near here, an Oily-One Cangrowy, and that the message is for him. I don't know what the fuck he's talking about though. Our last master was Captain Stonedillies."
    "Oily-One Cangrowy," repeated Fluke out loud. "I wonder if he's talking about old Wren Cangrowy?"
    "You know who he's talking about?" asked C3P Grow.
    "I've never heard of Oily-One, but old Wren lives out in the rocky hills past the dunes. He's kind of a weird old hermit type that nobody sees very often."
    "I wish I knew who she was. She's so fuckable it's insane. She sounds distressed, I should play back the entire message."
    As Fluke started towards ArDoob, the little robot let out a flurry of noises.
    "He says the restraining unit that those scavengers installed, has short circuited his projector." translated Grow. "He thinks he might be able to play the whole thing if you remove it."
    As Fluke removed the unit, the image of the woman disappeared.
    "Hey, what the fuck? Where did she go? Play back the whole message."
    ArDoob started beeping as C3P Grow listened and replied to him.
    "What message? The one you were just playing, you twat. The one bouncing around in your rusty, empty head"
    "Fluke!" called aunt Budoo.
    "He seems to be glitchy right now." said Grow.
    "See what you can do and I'll be right back." Fluke said as he went to see his aunt.
    "You should really think about playing that message for him." Grow said as ArDoob said something back.
    "No! I don't think he likes you at all right now."
    ArDoob let out a few more beeps.
    "No! I think you're being a fucking cunt too." C3P Grow said to ArDoob. And then turned away from the little robot as ArDoob let out some sad sounds.

Weed Wars IV: Part 09

    Fluke's uncle Growin sat at the dinner table in silence. His aunt Budoo had just called Fluke and was now pouring a drink into Growin's cup.
A few seconds later, Fluke appeared in the doorway and started speaking, as he took a seat at the table.
    "You know, that ArDoob robot could be stolen."
    "What makes you think that?" replied Growin
    "Well, when I was cleaning the filthy bastard, I stumbled upon a recording. He says he belongs to an 'Oily-One Cangrowy'." Growin and Budoo exchanged uneasy glances. "I thought maybe it was old Wren. Do you have any idea what the fuck he's talking about?"
    "That old wizard is just a fucking crazy old fuck. Tomorrow you take the robot in to get it's memory erased, and that will be the end of that shit. We paid for it. It's ours now." said Growin.
    "But what if the guy comes looking for it?" inquired Fluke.
    "I'm pretty sure he doesn't exist anymore. He died sometime around when your father did." Growin replied.
    "He knew my father?!" exclaimed Fluke.
    "I told you to forget it! OK?" Growin said to Fluke in a firm tone. "After you wipe their memory banks I want them put to work on the south ridge."
    After a short silence, Fluke spoke up again. This time in a more upbeat tone of voice.
    "I think these robots are the shit. I'm also wondering about our agreement for me to stay on for one more season. If these robots work out alright, I want to apply to the academy this year, the semester before crop out."
    "But the fucking crop out is when I need you the most." Growin replied. "After this season, I should make enough scratch to get some more hands. Then you can go next year. You really are badly needed around here, you know."
    "But it's another whole fucking year!" whined Fluke.
    "It's just one more big crop out, I promise Fluke" said Growin.
    "Yeah, that's what you fucking said when Buds and Toke left." Fluke said as he got up to leave.
    "Where are you going?" Asked Budoo.
    "It looks like I'm going no fucking where. I'm going to finish cleaning those robots." replied Fluke as he left the room.
    "Growin, he can't stay here forever you know. Fuck, he's got almost no fucking friends left. They've all gone. He's seen so little, and it means so much to him." said Budoo
    "I promise you that I'll make it up to him next year." said Growin.
    "Fluke's just not cut out to be a hydro farmer. He's got too much of his father in him."
    Growin slowly turned to look her right in the eye as he made his final comment.
    "That's what scares the fucking shit out of me."

Weed Wars IV: Part 10

    Fluke emerged from the dwelling just as the first sun was starting to set, looking like an orange ball on the horizon. The other sun was a little higher in the sky and slightly off to the side. It was just starting to turn orange on the bottom. Fluke lit a fat joint and went to a small hill nearby to smoke it and watch the sun's set. This ritual always seemed to calm him and bring him peace. After a short while, he headed to the garage.
    As Fluke entered the garage he looked around. He couldn't see the robots anywhere. He pulled out a device and hit a button, causing the device to let out a small beep. Across the room, the restraining device on C3P Grow's chest sent a small jolt into him, causing him to jump up and cry out.
    "Why the fuck are you hiding back there?" Fluke asked.
    "I'm sorry master Fluke, it wasn't my fault. Please don't shut me down. I told him not to fuck off, but he's fucked right up. He kept babbling on about his fucking mission." C3P Grow said to Fluke.
    "Ohh, FUCKNUGGET!" screamed Fluke as he grabbed a set of magnifier goggles and ran outside. He put on the goggles and scanned all around the property for any sign of the little robot. The other robot started talking as he walked up behind Fluke.
    "That little fuckstick has always had a damn screw loose. These mechanic robots are getting stranger every day. Sometimes, I can't even understand what the hell they're thinking."
    "How could I be such a dumb fuck? He's nowhere to be seen. Shit!" exclaimed Fluke.
    "Should we go after him?" asked Grow.
    "We'll have to go first thing in the morning. It's too dangerous right now, with all the fucking Dune Dudes out."
    "Fluke!" called Growin. "I'm shutting everything down for the night!"
    "OK! I'll be in, in a few minutes!" Fluke called back as he turned to look at Grow. "I'm so gonna get it. That little shit can is going to cause me a shitload of trouble.
    "Oh, he's a fucking master at that sir." said C3P Grow as they headed in for the night.
    In the morning, Growin awoke and looked out in the yard and called out several times for Fluke. He didn't see anyone, so he went to the kitchen where he saw Budoo.
    "Have you seen Fluke?" Growin asked his wife.
    "He said he had some shit to do and headed out early." said Budoo
    "Did he take the robots?" inquired Growin.
    "Yeah, I'm pretty sure he did." she replied.
    "Well, he'd better have that work in the south ridge done before this afternoon, or there's going to be shitloads of hell to pay." Growin said as he headed out the door.

Weed Wars IV: Part 11


    C3P Grow was such a wreck by morning, that Fluke had to let him drive the dune-runner, just to quiet him down and make him feel useful. They started right at the crack of dawn and had been driving for a bit, when Fluke saw something on the scanner.
    "Look, there's a robot on the scanner. It could be that little shit bucket ArDoob." Fluke said. "Speed up, he's dead ahead."
    Meanwhile, up on the hill overlooking them, Fluke and the robots were being watched. There were a couple of dirty, sandy, nasty looking creatures standing on the hill. One of them was looking through a gun sight at the dune-runner. Soon after, they jumped on the backs of these great big, hairy, horned creatures and headed down into the rocky valley below.
    Fluke and C3P Grow caught up to ArDoob and hopped out of the dune-runner. ArDoob tried to keep going but Fluke got in front of him.
    "Hey, little dude, where the fuck do you think you're going?" Fluke asked as ArDoob let out a bunch of noises.
    "Fluke is our owner now." Grow said to ArDoob. "Shut the fuck up about this Oily-One Cangrowy bullshit and your stupid fucking mission. And I don't want to hear it either. You're lucky he doesn't just blow your ass to pieces."
    "No, no, it's OK." said Fluke. "Let's just get the hell out of here."
    Suddenly ArDoob leapt to life. He started jumping and shaking, and making a fuckload of noise too.
    "What the fuck is up his ass now?" asked Fluke.
    "There are several creatures approaching from the south." said Grow.
    "Dune dudes," exclaimed Fluke. "Or something worse! Let's go check it out." Fluke grabbed a gun from the dune-runner and started up the hill. "Well come on!"
    Once they had a good view, Fluke used the scope on the gun to look into the valley.
    "I see a couple of Beertha's now but nobody else. Oh, wait, yeah they're dune dudes I think I see one now." Fluke said, as a figure rose up into his view. What he didn't realize until it was too late, was that the dune dude was right in front of him.
    The creature made a nasty grunting noise and waved it's arms in the air just before it pushed Fluke to the ground. Fluke's weapon was busted and flung to the ground with one mighty swing from the beast-like humanoid. It swung again, and again. Each time, Fluke moved out of the way just in time. The beast became aggravated and lifted it's arms in the air, and screamed. It was getting ready to attack again, and Fluke wasn't sure what to do. He just prepared to defend himself again.

Weed Wars IV: Part 12

    While C3P Grow and Fluke went up to check on the noises, ArDoob stayed behind. When he heard the commotion up above, he hid in a crack in the rocks and kept an eye on the dune-runner. After a small while, two dune dudes dragged an unconscious Fluke and dropped him nearby. Then, they went over to the dune-runner to see if there was anything worthwhile to loot. ArDoob beeped and whistled quietly to try and get Fluke's attention without alerting the creatures who were trashing their vehicle. Fluke still wouldn't move.
    Then, out of thin air, came a horrible sound. It had to belong to something terrible, because as soon as the dune dudes heard it, they dropped everything and got the fuck out of there. They didn't even look to see where the sound was coming from. As they ran off, another figure came into view.
    Walking down the hill, coming from the same direction as the sound, was a human shaped figure in a brownish-green robe with a hood over his head. He knelt over Fluke and touched his head as if he were examining it. He stopped what he was doing suddenly and pulled the hood down. He was an old man with a scruffy, white beard, and he was looking directly at ArDoob.
    "Hello." He said in a kind sounding voice. "Come over here little friend. I won't harm you, I promise."
    ArDoob slowly moved toward the old guy.
    "Don't worry about him." the old man said to ArDoob. "He's going to be fine."
    Just a few seconds later, Fluke started to awaken. The old man helped him to his feet.
    "Take it easy young man." he said to Fluke. "You've had an adventuresome day. You're lucky to be relatively undamaged."
    Fluke slowly looked up at the old man.
    "Wren? Wren Cangrowy? Wow, I'm happy as shit to see you." Fluke said wearily.
    "These wastelands are a very dangerous place. They should be traveled with caution." the old guy told Fluke. "What brings you way the fuck out here, young Fluke?"
    "Well, I guess it's this loony tune fucking robot." Fluke replied. "He seems to be searching for a former master, but I've never seen a little fucker like this with so much devotion before. He claims to belong to an Oily-One Cangrowy. Is that a relative of yours. Do you have any clue what the runt is talking about?"
    Wren stopped moving and sat down on a rock behind him.
    "Oily-One Cangrowy." Wren repeated. "Oily-One. Now that's a name I haven't heard in fucking years."
    "I think my uncle knew him. He said he was dead." said Fluke.
    "Oh, no, he's not dead yet. The old fucker's still kicking." replied Wren
    "Then you do know him." Fluke said excitedly.
    "Of course I do." said Wren. "That crazy old fuck, is me. I haven't gone by that name since before you were even a thought."
    "So this is your robot then."
    "I'm pretty sure I never owned a robot." the old man said with a little confusion in his voice. He turned as he heard a noise. "We should go. Those fucking dune dudes will be back soon, and they'll bring reinforcements."
    As they got up to leave, ArDoob started to freak out.
    "Grow." said Fluke as he ran up the hill to where he had been attacked earlier. He picked up a metal arm on the way up, and then helped Grow to sit up.
    "Are you OK?" he asked. "We got to get out of here before the fucking dune dudes come back."
    "Oh, go without me." C3P Grow said back. "I don't think I'll make it. Don't risk your life for my rust bucket ass."
    "Shut the fuck up." Fluke said to him. "What kind of shitty talk is that? You'll be fine. Let's go."
    Fluke helped Grow back to the dune-runner and they headed for Oily-One's home.

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