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***Warning, Possible Spoilers*** "Lobotomize me baby!!!" I said, "Lobotomize me baby!" Yeah, what can I say about Sucker Punch other than, "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST WATCH?" Capitalized to emphasize my “I might just leave at the half way point” moment and that doesn’t happen often with this reviewer. I sat through My Soul To Take and Battle:LA this year, so I put my man foot down and decided to stay. Let’s get down to it: first and foremost yes, some of the scenes are beautiful. But from the director of 300, and Watchmen, I’d expect as much. Though they were beautiful I wouldn’t call them innovative; it was the same slow motion, sword fighting, bullet dodging, fire breathing dragon killing, slow motion (yes, I said slow motion twice on purpose) eye candy we’ve seen in about ten other films in the last year. I mean come on I think we’ve seen a girl dressed up like Sailor Moon dodge enough bullets by the last thread of her three-inch skirt for at least five months. Anyway, so she creates an alternate reality for herself, then adds another layer to this alternate reality when she dances in that reality, I mean performs sexual favors in reality (confused yet?). Okay, I get it, but she’s only been in the psych ward for less than twenty four hours and let’s not forget she went in as a sane patient, does she really need a coping mechanism this early? Methinks Zach Snyder was on LSD when he watched Inception then immediately went home and wrote this script. Anyway, so the Sailor Moon-esque "Baby Doll" creates a second reality within the alternate reality when she dances. Okay, cool, some action, oh look a temple is that really? No it can’t be... is that... Mr. Miyagi? Mr. Miyagi? Spock? Oh wait, no, it’s just a guy that looks and sounds just like Spock, he even has the weird Vulcan ears. Okay, so this man is her spirit guide within her alternate reality, cool beans, now let’s get to some ass-kicking, girl-in-a-mini-skirt-and-heels sword-fighting. Oh shit, she just got kicked by a 12-foot iron samurai fifty feet backwards through a wooden door. Oh wait, she then stands up without a scratch and is perfectly fine to go all Super-Saiyan on his ass and his two buddies. First “trial” down, four to go; well, let’s keep this short you get to see her do her best Will Smith in I Robot impression, then get to see her fight zombie robot nazis, and then she fights a fucking dragon, did I mention she kills a baby dragon by pulling its head back and cutting the poor babies throat while it cries for its mother? At this point, I found myself fist pumping for the mother dragon hoping she would persevere against these monsters and end the movie for us all, but she failed sadly. Okay, she has all the random crap she needed to escape awesome! I mean, three of the five girls are dead at this point, the fire alarm goes off and all the doors unlock…wait a minute? If the fire alarm unlocked all the exits then why not just do this from the get-go? Anyway, they make it outside, the excitement is building, she’s almost home free. Oh crap, five guys in black suits waiting to rape any young would-be escaping burlesque performer, I mean psych ward patient. Then she gets the bright idea that Mr.Miyspocky has always wanted her to sacrifice herself because this isn’t her story, it’s the other random blonde in the movie that has almost zero character development outside of "she went into a psych ward/burlesque for her younger sister who had mommy/daddy doesn’t treat me right emo issues". Well in the end she escapes, at the cost of her sister, her friends, and her pale sidekick, Baby Doll. By the way what the hell is up with Spock showing up at the end as the bus driver that will take this escaping psych ward patient home? So this guy is their guardian angel, I guess that’s the entire point. But for god knows why he is a bus driver who during this entire movie has never met or spoken to Baby Doll outside of her own twisted alternate reality. So it makes perfect since that the guy would be the bus driver and somehow know all about everything that’s transpired at this psych ward in the last week. Again, this crazy bitch has only been at this psych ward for a week, and she somehow gets three people killed, the oldest of the girls freed, and herself lobotomized. Yes, she forged documents to get herself lobotomized after only being at the psych ward for less than a week. Winona Ryder had more balls in the Girl, Interrupted, and she didn’t kill a dragon, zombie nazi, or the robots from I Robot. So in the end, Baby Doll is basically brain dead after being in a psych ward for less than a week, three other patients are dead, a room has been destroyed by fire, and the orderly who looked like Gomez Addams is arrested for being a pedophile. So there, thank me or hate me, I just saved you the cost of a ticket at your local theater. If you liked this, you should also check out Graham's list, 6 Things That Would Have Made 'Sucker Punch Awesome!
Click here for the trailer!
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