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November 03, 2015
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Antarctica is actually gaining ice not losing it. So, I guess I ought to pack up my things and come home right away, no use researching global warming in Antarctica if it’s not happening!

I’m lead scientist Jay Zwally, currently stationed in Antarctica and according to my research Antarctica is actually gaining ice, not losing it. So, I guess there’s no global warming for me to research and I ought to pack up my things and leave Antarctica right away. Oh well!

I know NASA planned for me to spend two years researching global warming and living in this frozen hell where the average high is -30 and the wind blows at 90 mph day in and day out, never relenting even for a moment — but looks like there’s no point, so come pick me up, come pick me up now.

I understand that my research is kind of hard to believe. Just weeks ago we saw that picture of a stranded polar bear floating on a patch of ice and global warming looked more real and devastating than ever. But I guess that was just the polar bear’s choice, or maybe something the polar bear community forced him do? I don’t know what his problem was, but I know one thing for sure: There’s plenty of ice on this Earth — maybe even too much!

Trust me, I’ve been living here for seven months measuring the ice every day and I definitely never just stayed inside and held myself in a shivering ball, cursing science and trying not to cry because in Antarctica your tears freeze before they leave your eyeballs — even if you’re indoors.

Oh whoa, what was that noise outside?! Let me look out the window … WOW! Even MORE ICE just popped up right outside the window! Jeez there’s really a lot of ice here and no global warming for me to research at all.

Now you might be thinking, where’s all this new ice coming from? Well, I’m not your man for that; that’s not my department. I’m a global warming guy, not a global cooling guy. I would be completely ill suited to cover this and I should come home immediately.

So OK, everyone believes me, there’s tons of ice here, nothing is melting, our research is over, let’s send that plane to get me as soon as it’s ready. Or maybe even before it’s ready? And consider having a bunch of people on the plane for me to talk to because I’ve been alone here for seven months with nobody to talk to except the shrieking wind that rings in my ears 24 hours a day and it’s more of a talker than a listener, if you know what I mean.

See you guys soon!

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