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August 01, 2016

In the latest round of personal attacks, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump accuses opponent Hillary Clinton of being involved in yet another scandal.

Photo credit: Saul Loeb/AFP/Getty Images

Living up to his promise of “taking the gloves off” this election, Republican presidential nominee and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump accused Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton of being responsible for the disappearance of the balloons that fell on her and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, at the end of the Democratic National Convention.

Speaking to a rapt audience outside of a Peoria, Illinois, Wal-Mart Monday afternoon, where he promised to “find wall stuff” for his planned border project, Trump asked, “Isn’t it funny, how, they’re in Philadelphia, all these balloons are falling — we had more balloons, by the way. I should know, I paid for them. All these balloons are falling on the Clintons, but now, after the convention, where did all those balloons go? Where are they?”

Trump insinuated, “Hillary was jealous of these balloons taking her spotlight on the big stage,” and ordered the air removed from them — the only time any candidate has offered a plan for deflation this entire election cycle.

“Trust me, I know a hit when I see one,” Trump joked, referencing his alleged mob ties, before hammering home his trademark personal attacks. “But [Hillary] was especially jealous of the way her husband started playing with [the balloons],” he added, before making an off-color remark about how she probably wished the former president would play with her “balloons” in such a gleeful manner.

The former president was not immune to Trump’s barbs, either. “Did you see his reactions to those balloons? You’d have thought he was on Epstein’s plane! The guy’s got a balloon fetish, I’m telling you. I do, I think he’s a looner.”

When asked for comment about the mass balloonicide, Hillary Clinton’s camp stated, “Yay! First female president,” as they do in response to most questions.

This isn’t the first time the real estate mogul implicated a political rival of murder. In a May interview with the Washington Post, Trump included the 1993 suicide of White House Deputy Counsel Vince Foster among Clinton’s penchant for attracting scandals, saying, “It’s the one thing with her, whether it’s Whitewater or whether it’s Vince or whether it’s Benghazi. It’s always a mess with Hillary.”

Trump stated the death was “very fishy,” then added, “I don’t bring it up because I don’t know enough to really discuss it,” discounting everything he just said.

Two months after making those statements, Trump accused Rafael Cruz, the father of his rival for the Republican nomination, Senator Ted Cruz, of being intertwined in the John F. Kennedy assassination. “His father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous,” the candidate bleated to Fox News.

A new poll shows 57% of Americans find Trump’s obsession with murder conspiracies only slightly-less distasteful than Clinton’s exploitation of Alzheimer’s.

Contributing writer Stephen Sonneveld began his career freebasing with Anthony Bourdain in New York, and has sued many of his former employers. He currently lives in Dubai with his wife, and their three beautiful other wives.