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4Funny
5Die
787
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July 29, 2011
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A guide to slaying pussy


Lemme tell you about a pussy I’ve been trying to nail for about as long as I can remember. Her name’s Hickory, and she primarily resides in my buddy’s basement. One day we were just packin’ formidable lips and slaying pre-pubescent fucktards in Halo 3, when old Hickory decides to mosey on down to hang with the boys. Since I was on the day’s first tin, I was a little on edge and a tad nauseous. Vesuvius would blow at any moment, spewing magma on anything in its expansive path.
Hickory, or who I like to call Satan, knows how to make my blood boil. She struts around with her muted color fur, long, dark whiskers and paws that produce an eerie crunch with every step on the carpet. On normal days, I can typically quell my anger by reminding her that the litter she cared for and nurtured in her womb was whisked away from her at birth because everyone knows she’s the fucking antichrist. But this was no ordinary day. I was on edge and nauseous; bad news for any unfortunate soul who crossed me.
            
And this hickory, this fucking piece of shit cat, had the audacity to rub its cold, prickly fur against my exposed leg. Stunned and absolutely infuriated, I impulsively kicked the dick-for-brains across the room where it flew head-first into the wall. Still enraged and rearing to dish out further punishment, I ran over to the now unconscious pussy and had my way with it. While pulling down my pants, I mustered some deer-poop-esque fecal matter which I dispersed across its immobile figure. With the little shit possibly slain and completely nuggeted, I was pleased and rather impressed with my feat.
          
Upon completion of my duties (hehe), I turned to my bro and examined his exasperated expression. I concluded that he was in awe and speechless as a result of my heroic deed. Knowing that he, and the rest of civilization, probably won’t ever have to take his cat’s shit ever again, I simply said, “Thank me later…I’m taking her milk.”
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