This is an email I received from Monday on Monday:
Subject: Monday hates YOU
Dear Mankind (as in, humanity, not former WWF wrestler Mick Foley... well him too... being a member of humanity),
I'm sick of this bullshit of everybody hating me. Just because you have
to go to work, or school, or whatever, stop bitching. Its not MY FAULT
that your puny human minds are preconditioned by society to get your
shit together on MY FUCKING DAY. Theres no LAW or anything forcing you
to slack off and abuse your body with alcohol every Saturday and
Sunday... maybe if you actually GET SHIT DONE on the weekends you
wouldn't dread me so much.
I'm really not such a bad weekly recurring day... I don't understand
where I get this bad rap... "Oh you've got a case of the Mondays"...
WTF mate,why am i associated with LIFE SUCKING?
Why hate monday? MONDAY NIGHT
FOOTBALL, for example... people like that...
They forget that SUNDAY is also church day... church is boring, if you
haven't been, don't go, like i tell people who ask if they should rent
The Adventures of Pluto Nash... you like Eddie Murphy, but you are not
missing anything. I, MONDAY, would NEVER require you to attend church,
you could go if you want to though, see how open minded i am. Monday
accepts all faiths and lackoffaiths!
and whats so cool about TUESDAY... nobody's away message is ever like
"Tuesday... kill me." or "Fuck Tuesdays" or "here goes another BRUTAL
Tuesday in the life of (insert your STUPID name)"...
hypothetically depresses you, shouldn't you feel farther removed from
the weekend on Tuesday and THEORETICALLY be MORE DISTURBED on tuesday?
apparently not... everybody is fine with Tuesday, its usually the same
exact shit as Monday, but its got that Tuesday label so you feel all
warm and toasty inside like its Christmas (Monday fact: SOMETIMES
CHRISTMAS FALLS ON A MONDAY... but you prob got coal that christmas,
and blamed me for your year of bad manners)
Wednesday might get it the next worst besides me for being a shitty
day. "but at least its Hump Day!" the stupid optimistic friend always
says with his shit-eating grin... and YOU ACTUALLY FEEL BETTER when he
says that... tards, man, go wear your helmets and hold hands.
Nobody ever offers words of encouragement when you complain about
Monday. Here is a common exchange of the lack of support from optimists
Lampley Bookman: "I hate Mondays."
Dr. Toast (optimist): "We should kill ourselves and never have to suffer another Monday."
Lampley Bookman: "But Doctor, you're always so positive about life."
Dr. Toast: "You try practicing gynacology (misspelled) on diseased
animals from 9-5 with my only comfort being a lunch of tuna with too
much mayo so its all watery and gross... and then looking forward to 4
more days of it, plus I hate my wife and my kid is still lost at sea..."
Lampley Bookman: "Its Tuesday now, I feel better for no reason at all."
Dr. Toast: "I concur."
I don't know who Thursday gave a beej, but it must have been
phenomenal. You idiots treat Thursday like its already the damn
weekend. NEWSFLASH, no matter how much you plan on slacking on
Friday... ITS STILL A FUCKING WEEKDAY. Just because you got drunk, took
a dump in the microwave, and called in sick or are "working from home"
doesn't mean it counts as the weekend... stop saying "YES, WEEKEND,
YES"... ITS NOT.... SHUT UP... party, yes, Thursday, yes... shit now im
Then theres Friday... not too offend, but...
Jesus got freaking CRUCIFIED on a FRIDAY and they called that day GOOD FRIDAY... what was so FUCKING GOOD about it...
no no, people Looooove Friday... look at me, i'm friday! you had work
today and it sucked ass but THATS OK because you have off tomorrow
widdle worker worky so hardy my widdle fingys hurt from my big boy job
at the pickle factory or wherever the hell you idiots work so its
PERFECTLY FINE when FRIDAY SUCKS. Just go eat at TGI FRIDAYS and watch
TGIF and TGIFuck yourselves.
So HATE ME ASSHOLES, you know what. I hate you. Thats why monday sucks,
because I, Monday, HATE YOU. I hate seeing you smile and finding joy in
life so once a week i come to torment your soul and ruin your life. My
biggest thrill is when daylight savings is on Monday so theres an extra
hour of excruciating Monday pain I can inflict upon thee.
So next time you think about me and decide you hate me, know that I'm
out there, all around you... one day a week... hating you back SO
FUCKING HARD THAT I BITE MY LIP TIL IT BLEEDS RAINBOW COLORED DAY BLOOD.
PS - i hope you die on a Monday.