When you’re a celebrity, everyone knows your name. When you’re a normal person with the same name as a celebrity, everyone compares you to that celebrity. When you yourself are a celebrity with the same name as a more famous celebrity, everyone gets disappointed when they mistakenly show up for your book signing expecting the more famous one.
Here’s to all the celebrities out there who wish their parents would have looked a little harder at the baby name book.
Mark L. Wahlberg (Television Personality) – Though Mark L. doesn’t have the Oscar nominations, chiseled body, Gold records, or throngs of lusting women ready to fellate him at the drop of a hat, he does host Antiques Roadshow. So that’s pretty cool. Oh, and he was on Shop ‘til You Drop. Remember that one? No? I see. Well, he was Pat Finn’s sidekick and announcer. It was one of those great second-in-command roles, you know? I bet you’d remember if you saw it.
When clothed and taking your senior photo, the Wahlbergs are a relatively equal match.
Michael B. Jordan (Actor) – A young and accomplished television actor known for his current roles on Friday Night Lights and Parenthood, Michael B. Jordan has exactly a 0% chance of ever becoming the most famous person to bear his name.
He can win Emmys and Oscars, launch a successful music career, and become the philanthropist of his generation, but unless he finds a way to dunk from the free throw line or drop thirty-eight points on the Jazz while suffering from the flu… well, don’t go losing that middle initial, buddy. And don’t even think about getting an endorsement deal from Hanes.
Cher (Sanitation Engineer) – Cher dropped out of high school at age fourteen to work for the sanitation department, where he has stayed for the last thirty-nine years.
Though the full name on his birth certificate simply reads “Cher”, his best and only two friends (Eddie and Donut Shop Guy) usually refer to him as Sore, a nickname given in reference to the open sore he’s had on his forearm since 1992. Interestingly, Cher was born before the famous pop singer of the same name rose to stardom. Oftentimes, he inadvertently points this out while riding on the back of his garbage truck, shouting “I’m-da-Cher-I-pick-up-your-trash!” He is unfamiliar with the recording artist.
George Bush, Sr. (Former U.S. President) – Little did George, Sr. know that when he named his sons, the one bearing his own name would turn out to be infamously stupid.
President Bush lacks the cognitive skills to understand basic human emotion—a misfortune that makes him more memorable than his father.
You’d think the one called Jeb would take that cake. But alas, not only did the young George Bush disgrace his name in the highest government seat available, he got to do it for twice as long as his father. There’s no way you could have seen that coming George, Sr. Sorry, but your legacy is your son’s idiocy.
Chris Wallace (Host of Fox News Sunday) – Of all celebrities that share a name, the two with the least in common are Fox News Sunday’s Chris Wallace and Chris “Biggie Smalls aka The Notorious B.I.G. aka Big Poppa” Wallace. Let’s look at one comparative example. Biggie rose from Brooklyn ghettos to launch an industry-changing rap career that was cut short by his untimely murder. Last week, Chris Wallace sat down and talked to John Boehner about taxes. Sorry, Chris. We’re never going to call you Big Poppa.
My name is t.j. and I’m the third most famous person with my name.