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This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.

August 5, 2013

To: All Departments

From: Daniel Pongonis (Director, Human Resources, Ext. 8369)

Subject: Office Upkeep

In light of several recent complaints and issues around the building, I am writing from the office of Human Resources to remind you of your duties and responsibilities to this company and to each other:

1.  Coffee filters are disposable products. You cannot and should not reuse them throughout the day. This renders the coffee disgusting, and does no good for the long-term maintenance of the Technivorm Moccamaster KBT-741 machine I so generously donated to the office last Fall. If there’s anything you take away from this memo, I hope it’s this: take better care of the coffee machine.

2.  The office supply closet is not your personal Staples (NOTE: I am not showing preference to one particular chain, merely selecting one as an example to use in this point). In the future, if I catch anyone else taking supplies to bring to their homes for personal use, I will have no choice but to fire you immediately. In particular, we are now out of highlighters and will not have them for weeks due to a nationwide highlighter shortage.

3.  Please stop parking in spaces reserved for upper-level employees. For example, I have a reserved spot and frequently find it occupied. Additionally, when I do get the chance to park in my spot, certain pranksters have been letting the air out of my tires and/or cutting my brakes. Please refrain from this as well.

4. State law requires me to note: “Homophobia is a form of discrimination, and will not be tolerated in a workplace setting.” (Yes, no matter how funny some of us may find it.) In other words: Stop calling Jim “Tinker Bell” or “Elton Jim” or “The Anal Assassin.” I think we all know which Jim I’m talking about. If you don’t, meet me in Accounting and I’ll point him out to you.

5.  Finally, I’d like to remind our staff that it is typical, when leaving a company, to provide at least 2 weeks notice of your departure. It is rude and not customary to simply stop showing up for work. Naturally, we’d hate to see (most of) you go, but if you must, please provide us with ample notice.

6.  Speaking of ample, I hope everyone is providing a warm welcome for my new secretary, Janice. We hope she’s with us for a long, long time.

This originally appeared at Carroll ünd Klinger.

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