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Shit. Motherfucker! Well, after the whole Spotify thing, I guess I sort of always knew in the back of my mind that this day was coming. Taylor Swift’s lawyers are cracking down on Etsy stores and shutting them down for selling coffee mugs, T-shirts, and other items with lyrics from T. Swift’s 1989 album printed on them.

Guess I should take the crocheted Taylor Swift fuck dolls off my Etsy page before I get a cease-and-desist letter from her lawyers — or worse!

God-fucking-dammit.

This is just so typical. A small businessman can’t catch a break in this country, you know? In my opinion, Taylor Swift is such an ingrained part of our cultural fabric that people should be able to get a quality, handcrafted, crocheted fuck doll made in her likeness without Johnny Lawsuit coming in and spoiling the party. What I’m saying is, Taylor Swift is so popular and ubiquitous that she’s essentially public domain, right? My little store should be viewed no differently than one of those businesses making fuck dolls that look like George Washington or the American flag or whatever.

Or like George Washington’s wife.

This just seems like such small potatoes for an international pop superstar, is what I’m saying. Why even bother going after a humble entrepreneur like me? What could she possibly have to gain by shutting down a tiny, insignificant cottage industry manufacturing crocheted dolls that look just like her? Dolls that people can fuck?

Also, I’m no legal expert, but like 90% of these fuck dolls are going to Germany. That’s maybe some sort of mitigating factor, right?

Martha. Martha Washington. That’s her name.

You know, I think I just figured out exactly what’s going on here. You just wait — in a month’s time, after she’s shut my little operation down, you’re going to see “Official” Taylor Swift Crocheted Fuck Dolls on sale at TaylorSwift.com. And since she’ll have cornered the market, you can bet your ass your going to pay a hell of a lot more than the modest $48.99 I’m charging.

And then you know what’s gonna happen? After Princess Taylor is the only game in town for crocheted fuck dolls that look like her, she’ll have no incentive to keep the quality up. Once she starts cutting costs and having them made for peanuts in China, I can guaran-fucking-tee you that you’re gonna shred right through the crocheted vagina and anus like, the third time you use the goddamn thing.

Lemme ask you this: Is she gonna offer your first set of replacement orifices for free, like I do? Hell no, she’s not.

But it looks like the writing is on the wall. Soon we’re going to live in a world of mass-produced Taylor Swift crocheted fuck dolls with no character or personality, or that special, loving, handcrafted touch. So my advice to you would be to grab one before I pack up shop and get the hell out of Dodge.

I’ll even toss in a homemade Sam Smith Fleshlight.

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